Mistakes Parents Make That Push Adult Children Away

December 1, 2013
Bottom Line Personal
Jeffrey Jensen Arnett, PhD

Our children will always be our children, but once they turn 18 or leave home, they also are adults with lives increasingly separate from our own. It’s a challenge for parents to step back while also staying connected to their grown-up kids.

Much of the angst between parents and adult children stems from the tug-of-war over whose life it is. There often is a disconnect between parents who still want to shape their grown-up kids’ future course and the kids who are determined to live their lives their own way.

For loving parents, their grown children’s trials and errors, including failed projects and teary breakups, can be anguishing. It can be wrenching to let go of the old parental omnipotence and not be able to fix everything. But when grown kids cope with these ups and downs, they develop into resilient, self-sufficient people with the confidence that comes from standing on their own feet.

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Seven “don’ts” to keep in mind when dealing with grown ­children…


It takes a long time these days for grown kids to achieve financial independence, and my research shows that money
issues are the number-one topic of conflict between parents and kids 18 to 29 years old.

    • Don’t use your financial support to control your adult kids. If you’re supplying money to your adult child, you certainly can set ground rules about how that money is used—but you should not threaten to withdraw your support if the adult child doesn’t make life changes unrelated to finances.

Example: It’s reasonable to tell your adult child that money you’re providing cannot be spent on a vacation—but don’t tell him that it can’t be spent on a vacation unless he leaves the girlfriend you don’t like.

    • Don’t push your kids to take a job in a field that pays well but that they don’t like. Not only might they hold their unhappiness with the hated job against you, their lack of passion for the field could inhibit their career growth.

Also: Don’t make snide comments about the job prospects of your college-age child’s field of study or the earnings potential of his line of work. It is reasonable to discuss career and earnings outlooks with your kids before they choose a college major, field of graduate study or first job. But trying to control the big decision of what field your adult child will choose is sure to stir up resentment. Keep in mind that although college majors do vary in their future earnings, getting a college degree, in any area, is the most important goal for enhancing lifelong career prospects.

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    • Don’t insist that your kids find their own way after college rather than return home. These days, many adult children live at home for a short time. Almost always, their return home is temporary because they prefer to live independently as soon as they can afford to do so.

Helpful: Agree on a division of household responsibilities. The adult child is now an adult member of the household and should do an adult share of the housework, laundry and cooking.


Most adult children like talking to their parents and enjoy having a more adultlike relationship than they did in their teens. But…

    • Don’t ask probing questions about your children’s lives. If they want to share something personal, they will. Adult children vary a lot in how much they want their parents to know about their lives and how much they want to confide in them.

Take special care not to raise subjects that your adult child has historically been disinclined to discuss. Resist the urge to ask follow-up questions on the rare occasions when your child does raise one of these subjects.

Example: Many adult children prefer not to discuss their love lives with their parents.

    • Don’t overdo it. Today’s technology makes it cheap and easy to stay in contact with loved ones, and many adult children and their parents are in contact with one another nearly every day. However, for some grown kids, that’s a bit too much togetherness at a time when they are striving to become self-sufficient. In general, it’s best to follow your adult children’s lead on communications. If they contact you weekly via text message, then contact them weekly via text message, too. Text messaging might not be your preferred communication method, but it’s a great way to touch base with today’s young adults without seeming pushy. You can always slip in a phone call now and then.

Helpful: Don’t feel offended if kids go a few days without answering your text message or voice mail. It doesn’t mean that they don’t care. It could just mean that they are busy—or that they’re not that eager to discuss that particular topic.


An adult child’s romantic relationships can be a minefield for parents…

  • Don’t confide that you “never liked” an ex-boyfriend or ­ex-girlfriend or provide reasons why your adult child is better off without this former mate. Keep in mind that ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends sometimes reenter the picture. That could create awkwardness if you’ve previously expressed a dislike.
  • Don’t overlook your adult child’s romantic partners at family get-togethers. If your adult child has been seeing someone for a while, be sure to include the partner in family gatherings, then do your best to make him/her feel welcome and comfortable. The more comfortable your grown child’s partner is with you, the more you are likely to see of your child.

How to Give Advice to an Adult Child

Many young adults spend their 20s acting in ways that seem irresponsible to their parents. They might change jobs or romantic partners frequently or rely on their parents for financial support or housing.

This is all perfectly normal and does not mean that the young adult is destined to act this way forever.

And while adult children might seem to be in desperate need of advice, there’s a good chance that they will react poorly if their parents offer it. Such guidance makes them feel as if their parents still see them as children. This puts parents in a difficult position—they want to help their grown-up kids avoid missteps, but any wisdom they offer is likely to be poorly received.

Usually parents’ best option is to bite their tongues and not offer their adult children advice when it hasn’t been requested. Such advice might harm the relationship, and there is a good chance it won’t be heeded anyway. But speaking up could be wise if…

You believe your adult child’s safety is at risk. It’s worth putting the relationship at risk when safety is at stake.

Examples: Don’t offer unsolicited advice if you think your adult child is staying out too late—but do if you suspect he’s driving home drunk. Don’t tell your daughter you don’t like her new boyfriend—but do speak your mind if your daughter has a black eye and you suspect that the boyfriend is responsible.

The topic is money-­related and you’re providing financial support. If your money is on the line, it’s perfectly reasonable to voice concerns about the adult child’s questionable financial decisions or even set ground rules for spending. But it will help the relationship if after voicing these concerns or setting these rules, you add something such as, “The final decision is yours, and I will continue to support you emotionally whatever you decide. I just can’t continue to support you ­financially if you make this decision.”

Example: You’re paying your child’s rent while he searches for a job, but you notice that he hasn’t been looking for work lately.

You obtain permission to provide advice. The odds of a negative reaction decline greatly if you ask the child if he would like your input before you offer it.

Warning: Respect the child’s answer. If he says he prefers to work through the problem on his own, keep your advice to yourself.

When you feel you must provide advice, also ask the adult child for his advice on a different topic about which he is knowledgeable. This can keep the relationship balanced.

  • Blankspace

    Good article, but people do not like control too much. It’s best to say what you want but let your child make mistakes, if they won’t listen. It is not a parents job to decide for there child. If money is a issue give them a job with your friend or your business. I really wish people would stop half assing shit. You wanted a child, get them where they need to be. Just don’t force them into things they can decide for themselves.

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    • Brenda Thompson-Vidal

      Sometimes, you try to help your children get to where they need to be be, yet they’re lazy and don’t want to try. They’d rather have their parents do every little thing for them.

      • Jay

        LOL looking for consolation for being a crappy mother Brenda? Gosh so pathetic…

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        • Edgardo A. Soto Rodriguez

          Why is she a crappy mother..I think the crappy one is you.. What she is talking about is the side that was omitted here. Yes there are young adults that take advantage of their parents specially those single mothers.. These is a problem that it has to be address. You are so right Brenda..these is happen to me also.

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        • Belle Bohemienne

          She’s not a bad mom. She’s one who’s been there and you do NOT know her story or struggles in this matter to be making such a foul presumptuous statement. There are many kids who are emotionally and maturely stunted. They lack ambition guidance and something that fills them with pride. They hide behind video games as a coping mechanism for inability to deal with real life struggles, situations that scare them, fear of rejection and a way to avoid interaction with humans face to face. It’s a big epidemic. You don’t know what she’s tried! The encouragement and love she’s given or tough love that has probably hurt her to have to do. Have you ever dealt with a young adult or teen who’s a drug addict? It’s similar. You can’t make them just stop or do what you know is best for them. There’s alot of parts that need to happen and one is therapy. It’s quite easy to judge others when you don’t know them. Think before you speak please.

          • Monique

            Belle, WELL SPOKEN, I TOTALLY agree with YOU………….people should walk in other people’s shoes for a year before they open their mouth!!!

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          • Belle Bohemienne

            Thank you Monique!!

          • tiwanda

            My heart is with you I have empathy I know what your going through I’m dealing with it now

          • Belle Bohemienne

            Thanks Tiwanda! My heart goes out to you and the struggles you are dealing with. It’s the little wins that make the struggle worth it and help us persevere in our roles as parents to make our kids better people and teach them to make good decisions and teach them ways to cope with this crazy world. Never give up hope.

          • speak_the_truth1

            although…if she really was as good as all that that you stated above, she probably wouldn’t have worded it quite the way she did…
            You say ” They lack ambition guidance and something that fills them with pride. “… why is that?

          • zxvf

            “They lack ambition guidance and something that fills them with pride.”
            So true.

          • olcurmudgeon

            You can’t make them just stop or do what you know is best for them. ”

            There are also those parents who think living to their own satisfaction = knowing what’s best for their child.
            They have decided that because their adult child smoked pot they are a drug addict, when what it really is is that it isnt a lifestyle choice they would make for themselves and/or they are still caught up in the ficticious pot makes ppl lazy even though thee are thousands of highly successful pot smokers we can point to

        • Bob P.

          Hey Jay, until your ready to walk in each persons shoes… don’t be such an a**hole!

          • Michelle Warren

            Jsy is a cicksucket lol

          • Docsmithy

            With language like that, ur probably not winning much I’d say

        • Barbara Elliott

          Jay (maybe ) you are lazy and don’t want to try….maybe you didn’t like the post because you are young and don’t have a good answer? Hmmmmm I bet you don’t even have grown kids lmao

        • BarbaraKlepper

          speak for yourself

      • SkewedPerception

        And some parents are all to eager to infantilize their children to serve their own narcissistic needs.

        • FrenchLozenge

          I’m guilty. My eldest steps on EVERY landmine he has come across. Each time I get middle of night phone calls crying and begging me for help and basically painting himself as a victim of horrific impossible conditions in which everyone in charge of him is cruel and a moron, I’m using nice words. Once in trouble and against the wall he reaches out for me. When I help him he gaslights those around him at work and in our family (divorced his mom/great person inside, did her best too) and makes me look like a monster (with her and his brother) and then comes back and tries to gain my favor again. He is one person with me and in front of me and a completely opposite person in front of everyone else. It has taken 27 years for him to finally be exposed as a malignant somatic narcissist who abuses himself, his coworkers and his new family at every turn and behind closed doors and then tells us, the family, and his friends how horribly victimized he’s been childhood, and my other son looks at me with honest eyes and says dad I had the best childhood anyone could ever have. She is the victim from his own terrible decisions. I have listened and never offer any advice unless asked and even then I asked him if he has a plan first which of course he does not and tells me that’s why I’m calling you dad. It has gotten to the point that I must have limited contact with this young man and allow him to grow and face the consequences with which he has placed himself. I have asked him for three things in three things only before we can continue our relationship. Self-respect, emotional honesty, and moral courage. He has avoided me ever since and recently called me to threaten my life when the wife he married left him and enmeshed me by calling me middle of the night crying and spilling the beans about his abusive and horrible behavior to her and their child, all I could do was listen and silently cry with my loving wife next to me. I did my best to be supportive but allowed her to make her own decisions for what’s best for both of them and their young family. No matter which way I go with this child of mine he is a victim and accepts 0 blame for his own actions and behavior. He is being removed which is a nice word for being given the velvet knife treatment in the military, and found guilty at court martial for abusing others while drunk. I will never quit loving this child I will never stop respecting this child on my own terms but will respect him even more when he finds it for himself. Just a loving father doing his level best to recover from zero love from my own abusive, cruel, self-serving, pedophile father. The key word here is opposite. I am human and full of flaws but I will not quit on this child. I hurt inside

          • Snorty

            A good book to read that I think will encourage you and help you deal wisely with your son is, “Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children” by Allison Bottke.

          • Karla Berry

            I’m so sorry for all your suffering. Your story jumped out because it’s very similar to my relationship with my daughter. She is and has always been all about me in every aspect of life since childhood , she is now 30 and a mother. Disaster still all about me with her. Does not have a clue parenting is not part time. The part time she does think she’s parenting is play time then she’s done. She thinks she’s worlds greatest mother. She through’s tantrums and that 2yr. Old baby cries she yells stop crying for nothing I’m like really. Its just too much going on here to go into. She is verbally abusive to me extremely turned psyical last week. I’m still shocked wish I knew what to do. She thinks sorry and everything is OK , no it’s not not at all. I protect the baby I take care while she is at home only started doing so after seeing how crappy she treats her . she didn’t ask to be here I’m not going to let her suffer do to no fakt of her own . Anyone have ideas ? I’m very level headed and open minded.I’m so stressed out.and angry as hell.

          • aeray

            If she physically abused you, call the police and file a report.

          • Karla Berry

            Thank you I truly will . I’m not going to allow myself to be victimized I’m still quite angry about the incident.

          • Cindylee

            If she never physically abused you before and (if you are not seriously hurt)you feel she might actually be sorry and maybe doesn’t know the why to why she is acting so horribly, why not get yourselves into therapy? There is maybe stuff she isn’t dealing with.I would want clinical answers from a trained professional. She could use some parenting classes too, it sounds like.

          • Karla Berry

            Thank you Cindylee I agree that professional help is needed in our case , for some reason we are not as close as we were. My daughter and I have a straind relationship now and she snaps a me when I say things . I ask her if I have affended her in some way she says no and she doesn’t know why she acted out like she did.

          • Melissa Dawn Pierce

            If your adult child is physically harming you, you need to call the police and file a report. I would go as far as filing a restraining order. If you DO NOTHING they may feel saying “sorry” does in fact mean that when they do abuse you as long as they apologize you are saying it’s OK for them to continue to mistreat you. And the abuse could escalate. So I would definitely involve the police if it happens again. I will pray for you and your child

          • Karla Berry

            Thank you for your comments I surely will call police , this is unacceptable to me and I’m definatly not going to jail for knocking the hell out of her. Thanks and keep prayers coming please.

          • Gan

            Once I was at the grocery store and stop my activities when I heard a young women saying stop to someone next to her. When I looked back, it was her old mom who was trying to stop her grandson who was licking the grocery cart. She stopped and speechless. I could see the sadness in her eyes. I really do not understand how could someone be so rude to her mom. No matter what happen, she deserve respect for raising her as a child. Well, I guess what goes around comes around….

        • Pat

          Especially parents whose couple is dead and they use their children as a cement to keep the parental couple from exploding.

      • something287

        Lazy, huh? Who are you to say that about any human anywhere? Their parent? That’s not a good enough reason for such a sick comment.

        • Michelle Warren

          What a dickwad

      • sonandfather

        Sometimes as in you dont try all the time so i see were they get thier laziness, how bout to try and not do everything for them somtimes

        • something287

          Irrelevant. It has nothing to do with parents “babying” their kids, and everything to do with the lack of opportunity in the United States. You know why kids travel to different countries in Europe to do all of their schooling and maybe start new lives in totally new countries? Because Europe has opportunity ALL OVER THE PLACE for ANYONE WHO WANTS TO DO ANYTHING, and college is usually cheaper or free for people traveling abroad. America has jack sh!t. The fact that you can’t see this shows your America-centric attitude. Leave your bubble. Maybe take some LSD and see the whole world and its billions of other conscious living, loving humans for what it is and for who they are.

      • eric

        Maybe they dont want to “be” where you want them!

      • kyrie100

        Understand why your kid is putting off becoming an adult.
        Explain to your adult child that you can no longer take care of him.
        Present a plan for change.

        Parents who are going to continue to baby their kids are going to be taken advantage of. It is human nature – if I have someone to wipe up my shit, why do I need to do it myself? Sometimes throwing them in the deep end (adult children) and letting them sink or swim is necessary.

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    • TheBadDaughter

      I bet my parents would say the exact same thing. My mother always gives me the stink eye and mutters shit like “useless” “fat waste” whenever I sit down for dinner. Well, here’s the thing. My folks demanded I not work until I get married. Here I am 26 and gay and they refuse to accept that either. It’s a locked in situation. Luckily, I have been accepted for a job and I hope to move out soon enough. I wish I had parents that encouraged me for my ambitions instead of pushing me to be a housewife like my siblings.

      • terry513

        Your name says more than you realize. If you characterize yourself as “the bad daughter”, your mother will too. Many families are like that though. I don’t understand it either. Any kid willing to work and learn to earn his/her own money should be allowed to if they’re old enough. I hope you move out as soon as possible and don’t look back. Any parent who would mutter names like “useless, or fat waste” just because you sat down to dinner is not only disgusting but extremely cruel. You shouldn’t feel any sympathy towards her or anyone else who treats you that way. Go enjoy your life doing what you want to do.

        • dz

          23..Grandparents are guardianshp and conservators.
          and they can be unbearing,and I wish id fix it,but they got chains on me

        • Pat

          Amongst the things my mother told me that one is funny (sort of…). When I came to see to see her and have a meal with her she would say just before dinner “You are fatter”. In the middle of the dinner she would say “you don’t eat enough”. That kind of manipulative remarks I had on everything. And now she wonders why I don’t want to see her anymore.

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      • Jenni fellow lez!

        That’s just awful!!! Its definitely time to move out for your own well being. It sounds very toxic at home.. if you have a will you have a way.. i mean, i live at home but my mom and dad except me and my fiance who also lives here but we definitely need our own place. Children are suppose to leave home. But I get the impression that they won’t be happy till you fake straight, get married, and then move out. but that’s there therapy session not yours, you need to do you and what makes you happy, even if that means distancing yourself from those who want you to change for there comfort and convenience.. I’m terribly sorry you’re going through this, many of my friends and even my partner have been through what you are going through and its not fair but you need to know its not your fault.. don’t waist your life and happiness trying to please others who will never be pleased.. it sounds like your parents are just set in there ways and beliefs unfortunately.. I wish you well and good luck on moving forward!!

      • MarryAnnePadilla

        Good for you

        I hope you get to move out soon :)

      • Tracy

        Hey have you read ‘the narcissistic parent’??

    • MarryAnnePadilla

      Not everyone has friends or ones willing to give their child a job

      Some people just can’t get jobs and kicking them out the house won’t prevent that

  • TeamTate

    hi there, I ve been trying to find blogs or anything of the sort for my situation.
    my husband’s mother has been driving us crazy for years now. we keep giving her chances to be an active part in our and our children’s lives. my husband has severe PTSD and gets overwhelmed very quickly, especially when it comes to his mother. she suffers from depression also, and neeeeds to be needed.however, she consistently crosses boundaries that we set for her. for example,, she constantly praises one of our 3 boys. but to the extent of favoritism!! hes better, smarter, stronger,….She also knows that my husband cannot make decisions about our children (plans for her to take them out or times for her to pick them up,while she’s purposely trying to change my original plans…) . we have , on several occasions, asked her to be considerate of my hub’s condition and come to me or at least run things by me. He has made it clear that he does not want to make any important decisions alone, but she still does that. because its HER son and she says she will not control what she she does and doesn’t tell him. it’s to the point where the caller ID sends him into a panic attack! what do you guys suggest we do?

    • annie

      Exclude her. She’ll come around. And if she doesn’t, its best to leave it be and don’t stress the situation. I have PTSD/anxiety and as a young woman, age 25, I can see that my biological mother does not understand the mental effects of nagging, yelling, being fickle, giving a three days notice to move out knowing I have no where to go all while I’m being pregnant. So I deal with her when I need shelter, since my job does not pay enough to get a head start in paying off my own bills. although she is my mother, I know the difference between being needed, wanted , and uninvited, beyond that I concider her mental, she smokes cigarettes on a daily basis and she doesn’t always have weed to smoke, so I guess she goes through withdrawal. I refuse to support her negative habits, so she flips. But that does nothing good for me and my unborn child, she smokes around the house jus because its hers, and it forces me to throw up. All said, do exactly what u believe is best for YOUR family. Now that I have my own, I have to put my children first ,and always will. Favouritism is the worst when it comes to children, that could be detrimental to the children’s relationship between one another. I know, because my mother does it between myself, my older brother, and my younger brother. Remind you she is still a single parent , so I can see why she favorites my older brother and welcomes him into her home with no problem, altho he has messed up his life the worst by putting himself in jail for years, I am the only girl. I believe that had I been a male, it would def be a different relationship between my biological mother and I. Because she has shown who her so called favorite is, my younger brother could care less if she is in his life or not, the only reason why I care that she is in mine is.because she did not have her mother after the age of 15. She has neglected us all for drug use when I was 12, but kept my older brother by her side while she was doing it, she sent my older bro out to find me in the neighborhood to beg for me to come “home” which was then, a vacant house. This maybe too much info for.you, but I believe I had to mention the different circumstances we went through for you to get a fuller understanding of maybe why and how my bio mom acts and does what she does…. BTW,, I am still with my boyfriend, …

      • sundari

        Many times parents expect their children to be one step up and overreact and this ends up in widening the gap between child and parents. I personally feel parents should speak to children in a friendly way and tell them their problems and ask them if they can help. Similarly children can also do this. Give time for healthy communication. Many unhealthy issues may crop up but first of all both of you decide to make the conversation healthy and not unhealthy. Understanding each other helps in a big way

        • Cc

          What do you do about parents who have unreasonable demands? Like insisting that they should have your work number for emergencies, then calling you at work and demanding to talk because they’re emotionally upset with you but it’s not an emergency. Or expecting an immediate call return (like an hour or less) when you maybe went on a hiking trip and your phone isn’t on and won’t be for a day or two. Then they leave 30 messages in a 24 hour period cursing you out for “avoiding their call”. Or if you say your not ready to talk about someone your dating they ask question after question about him, then tell you they bought him a ticket to an expensive event the family is attending on a holiday. Next time you date someone, you decide to withhold all info for now. They notice your patterns suggest you are dating and tell you your probably hiding other secrets, possible crimes, etc since your an avoidant sneaky person. You still aren’t even sure if you’re exclusive yet. Not that I think it’s relevant here but adult child is completely self sufficient financially. First- I’m well aware this is a boundary issue. However any attempt to set a healthy boundary is met with a tantrum from the parent. FYI even my aunt said its out of control and not normal behavior. I’m not just a “brat who doesn’t appreciate my parent”

    • Lorilu

      You have to do what is best for your family. If the caller ID sends him into a panic attack, you must be on his side. My own instinct would be to withdraw from so much contact with her until she recognizes proper boundaries. Tell her outright that you make the family’s plans, and stick to it. Maybe your husband can tell her she has to ask you first because you’re the keeper of the family calendar? In most families, the mother is the one who does that.

      You are not alone in having the problem that she overly praises one child (perhaps he’s most like your husband?). It greatly hurts the other children when grandmother does that, and it’s not good for the child she praises, either. Tell her to stop it right when she’s doing it, perhaps?

      I wish you the best, and your husband a recovery from his illness.

  • Lynne

    I have my 29 year old daughter on my cell phone and car insurance. She stopped paying me and avoids talking or texting about it. If I take her off the phone plan there’s an early termination and equipment charge. Plus if I take her off the car insurance she probably will never pay me back the $1200 she owes! What can I do? She lives in Minnesota and I live in Washington.

    • Nene

      Give her 2 weeks to pay u or transfer her phone to her own name or just drop her. She is not ur reeponsobility. She needs to learn if u dont pay u dont get to keep it. U r just enabling her and it actually hurts her cuz she is not learning responsibility and she is using u. None r good

    • I.Popoff

      Judge Judy!

    • BarbaraKlepper

      do not help her again. ever.

    • Lorilu

      When the phone’s contract term is up, tell her that it is soon to end, and tell her that you expect her to make arrangements for her own contract. (If she doesn’t, she’ll lose her number, which is a bit of a nuisance.) As to the car insurance, do the same thing. You may never see the $1,200, but at least the amount won’t keep growing.

      Don’t waffle, or you will be picking up her bills forever.

    • RainMan49

      Best way to get out of a hole? Don’t start digging one to begin with. Guarantee this is not new `financial` behavior on your daughters part. It probably shouldn’t have been a surprise (but denial is an effective way to deal with life).

      I suggest you spell out the future for her.. if she does not start paying you back she’s off the the phone/insurance and the `bank` will be closed for good.

      And, if you can’t afford to be out money you lend her .. you really shouldn’t lend it to begin with.

      • Iluv Merengue

        I believe you are wrong. This generation is just selfish.

        It happened to me that I thought I could trust my kids (good kids) when I helped them, that they’d understand that I was just being gracious in assisting them, but apparently they just took it for granted, especially my son who is the oldest. I guess they never wanted to give up their idea of Mom being the provider and problem solver. I too had my kids on my car insurance policy and thanks to my son I once had to leave the company I’d been with for many years, needless to say he had to get his own insurance and pay more. So as not to discriminate, I helped my daughter to even get a used car and also included her in my insurance, but she was often late with her payments while indulging herself on what she wanted.

        Trust me, it was a harsh lesson for me to learn, I ended up moving away so I could have my own life for once. All I did “wrong” was to expect them to be as responsible with me as they were with the rest of the world.

        • Lorilu

          I want my children to be as responsible with me as I was with my parents. That is that I paid my own way as soon as I could, and never took a dime from them after I had a job. Everything I have today I paid for with my own earnings; I thank my parents for giving me a good start in life by teaching me responsibility.

          • Iluv Merengue

            Every family is different, my parents were there for me whenever I needed it, my life would’ve been very hard if they had not because I suffered from very bad depression, so I very much appreciate they were there for me and my kids. I, in turn, tried to be there for them as they got older, but I know what I did was little in comparison to all they did for me. Thankfully, my children have been living very responsibly (what I wrote above happened years ago), once they were on their own they had no choice, and they help me when I need it too.

        • RainMan49

          You missed my point completely. It takes two to `dance`. So, just say `NO!`. You have every right to .. especially if you know they’ll not pay you back and you CAN NOT AFFORD IT.
          If you kids take advantage of you, do not take their responsibilities, or it’s bad impact on you, seriously .. I guarantee that this is not some `hidden` or `new` behavior. Many parents are in denial about their kids .. so when the kids come to you with real problems (kids that make poor decisions always have simply awfull problems) all the the parents have in their head is to jump in to fix it to keep the kid from suffering the consequences of the problem they created. And, parents do this even though it’s the only way kids will ever learn to handle problems and stand on their own two feet.

          • Iluv Merengue

            Well, for me the only way to find out I couldn’t trust my son was, of course, after he proved himself untrustworthy. I couldn’t exactly judge him from his teen behavior, which was nothing I’d consider really bad, just self-centered, because as you yourself said his brain was not even “done” yet. I helped him out during a time he was unemployed but due to “a girl” (that he’s now married to…) entering the scene he abused the help I’d offered in good faith and it had serious consequences for me.

            Nothing like that can ever happen again for the simple reason that the tables have turned and now not only I don’t have anything to give but I’m in actual need myself. He’s now 32 and pretty much like you said around 30 is when he began giving me credit for the kind of mother I’ve been. Had I read anything like what you said about kids being “psycopaths” until 30 you’d better believe I’d said no more often.

        • Justin

          It’s funny the selfishness is just a direct reflection of your values as Baby Boomers… Don’t worry I can’t wait to see when you are all old begging for help and there will not be any… Hmm…

          • noclist

            Of course there will be. Ever hear of medicare where you the tax payer pays for the elderly to be cared for 24/7? It’s not cheap, but thanks in advance.

    • Mark Roberts

      There is clearly some other underlying issue. Either she has lost her job or her expenses have increased greatly or something else monetarily related. However the biggest issue is she feels like she can’t talk to you about it. I suggest you try speaking to her about things unrelated to what she owes you and see if you can get to the issue causing it. Then if it is serious maybe discuss how you can help and then say that you are willing to forgo the debt for now and you two can work on some sort of payment plan down the road.

  • Mimi

    Text only when texted, keep it short and sweet, don’t give advice and never sleep over.

  • mimi

    And speak only when spoken to, again yes no answers, thank you and no thank you, and refrain from asking questions or your input, listen more speak less, and when talking choose meaningless subjects..cars movies clothes, etc..non personal issues to avoid drama disrespect and humiliation-lesson well learned..and stop being their dust ragdoll or doormat atm.

  • mimi

    What some parents on this thread fail to realize about their adult kids is that they are entitled seeking monsters who seek their parents only when they need or want something, and wouldn’t hesitate to mistreat or even physically abuse you when you’re nursing age collect all your funds and yell neglect you without remorse. Live your lives, get a dog, that pet will not only show you more love and appreciation, but also fill that void, take vacations and live up your remaining life, be grateful your body mind are still intact and live, when you get older live in a nursing home, strangers will have more respect/dignity for you, play bingo and cards etc…when you die leave any savings to charity like foster kids or abused kids, leave your kids with nothing!! You don’t owe your kids crap, and you’re not a ragdoll waiting to be dusted at paytime or a doormat they wipe their crap on. Live!!!

    • janese creech


    • Bro chill

      Or just dont have kids you fucking psycho.

      • Iluv Merengue

        Too late to say not to have children that after one’s had them, duh!

        wouldn’t say all grown children are as mimi describes, but many are
        because this present age encourages selfishness. I was a single Mom who
        sacrificed a lot to bring my 2 children up. I’m the type of
        person who likes to tell it like it is and it’s been nearly impossible for me to look the other way
        when they were doing something that I knew would backfire on them. And I guess because of voicing my opinions, even though I’m really a very loving Mom, we’re
        now not too close. My mother always told me what she thought and actually interfered much more than I ever have, which of course I didn’t like, but due to my Hispanic culture it was also pretty normal, but here in America people frown on that.

        My children still lived with me when
        both were past 21, I would’ve wanted them to move out but for them it
        was obviously better living together rather than be responsible for
        everything themselves. Finally my son, the oldest, moved out and the next year I left because although my health was bad my daughter didn’t want to help me with the chores and between us we had 3 cats. And when I moved I did it 2 states
        away so I could have my own life without being tempted to get too involved with their lives.

        My view is that children are naturally selfish and if we
        sacrifice too much for them they just take it for granted, period. And call me “selfish” (which I know I’m not) but after raising them all by myself I just couldn’t see myself being forgotten while living in the same city. At least for a while I went back to work and tasted wonderful freedom. Now that I can’t work and SS pays too little they have to help me financially sometimes, but I feel it’s perfectly fine because I was there for them way past the point I needed to be, and I helped them get to where they are now while their father didn’t so in my time of need they should be there for me.

        • RainMan49

          Kids are naturally sociopaths until they hit 30 .. they don’t have a fully developed frontal lobe. The frontal lobe is the region of the brain where cognitive skills are managed (decision making, social skills, in general a persons `character`). Until it fully developes they have impaired decision making, lack compassion, and are generally narcissistic (self-love). This is why parenting requires expertise in managing child developemental goals and a firm hand to get them there .. otherwise you end up with adult children that can’t take care of themselves, totaly lack social interaction skills, and continually make terrible life decisions.

          • Kathy mazza

            Mine is 33 and still acts like you say! Breaks my heart!

          • S. O. Rooney

            I am a therapist and my opinion is that what you stated, RainMan49, is utter bullshit, if you will excuse the expression. You are taking some truths about child brain development (though it is more like 20 to 25 years old) and way overextending the facts to paint a sensationalistic, incorrect and cynical view of how kid’s develop social awareness. Kids are sociopaths until they are 30? You and yours might have been, but don’t speak for mine. They are wonderful people, much loved and respected.

          • Belle Bohemienne

            Thank you, you took the words out of my mouth!

          • hellonurse

            Yeah, I feel sorry for your children or future children! Stating that kids are sociopaths! When it’s YOU!

        • Anan

          …I am a child. I would never leave my father the way you guys said! you guys are just blind because your kids didn’t turn out to be what you wanted them to be. we are not naturally selfish. just what you make us to be. I admit, me and my dad have had a few heat rounds before. but I am 15 and already working on getting a good job to support him when we get older. yea, somethings he does isn’t fair to me. but that doesn’t mean I hate him. your kids didn’t fail you. if they are like that, it’s because you failed them. and they are going to fail each other for taking you for granted like this. just wait. but don’t downgrade all kids because YOURS came out bad.

          • Iluv Merengue

            I hope you read what RainMan49 said… It’s true that how children are brought up has a lot to do with how they turn out, I can’t say I did everything perfectly myself and the father was missing, but I’m human too and just because I was the mother doesn’t mean that I would not make some mistakes even when doing my very best. What I’m talking about is not taking for granted what parents do for us, there are many who have no parents who would settle for half of what the others get in attention, love and financial help.

          • Gosh

            Come back and talk to us in 10 years… You are a kid what the heck do you know about anything?

          • #OwnItFckrs

            Do not invalidate an individual’s argument based on their AGE! Their experiences are their own, and maybe a 15 year old hasn’t experienced a lot of life, but it doesn’t mean they haven’t experienced ANYTHING. I guess you forgot what it is to be 15. Too long ago for you? That’s ok. That’s the problem with the majority of you old people, you LACK EMPATHY and disregard someone over something as trivial as their age.
            But I’m sure you’re just projecting too, like Brenda and Mimi.

            “we are not naturally selfish. just what you make us to be.”
            It seems as if this 15 yr old has more sense than a lot of you “blind” adults.
            Serial killers aren’t BORN, they are CREATED.
            #FigureItOut #IgnoranceisNOTbliss #youCANteachanolddognewtricks

          • S. O. Rooney

            Well, I’m afraid we can say the same for you:

            “Do not invalidate an individual’s argument based on their AGE!…That’s the problem with the majority of you old people, you LACK EMPATHY
            and disregard someone over something as trivial as their age.”

            I’m 60 and I certainly don’t lack empathy. Perhaps it’s more of a personality thing…

          • Lexi

            Biology tells us we’re all naturally selfish. Our brains are hardwired that way. People like to use the example that parents die for their children. That is because our goal is to keep OUR genes moving and they are next in line. We also die for others to avoid the pain of losing them. We are selfish period. Everything about us can be explained by evolution. The Darwinian Theory of human nature even tells us we developed tolerance and love for each other because we could survive better in groups than alone.

          • Single Parent

            I’m curious – where do you people draw the line for taking accountability for your own actions as an adult should do and where is it that it’s the parents fault? Isn’t it a bit narcissistic to not take any accountability for making what turns out to be the wrong choice or decision? Doesn’t society and certain personal experiences also contribute to why people do or behave a certain way? Or let me guess if for example a child is bullied and their parent does everything they can to support and protect their child but that bullying has such a detrimental effect on the child that they grow up and that experience leads them to make some really crappy decisions just to be accepted at all costs by people they have decided they wish to please is that the parents fault? Is it the now grown up child’s? At what point do these “adults” stop and say wait what am I doing? I need to stop making these bad decisions cause hey I am not just hurting the people I love and that have always been there for me but I am hurting myself? At what point and where does the blame game end?

        • Nancy murph

          You raised your children to be this way.
          But you are so perfect. Overbearing and resentful of your own life decisions . Did their father leave because of you? Don’t be so needy now. You sound just like your children. They owe you nothing but you expect everything. Enjoy your freedom and make extra money by using your selfish brain. Try loving and encouraging your family. That may help to not be so disfunctional. Good luck to your kids.

          • Iluv Merengue

            You very likely didn’t even read my other comments, you also don’t know us so you’re judging very superficially.
            I grew up in a different culture where NOTHING that I expect is wrong AT ALL.

            You actually seem like a very angry and narrow-minded person with a very limited scope of experiences and who hates other women. And please don’t speak of dysfunction, you asked if their father left because of me as if when a man cheats it’s *always* the woman’s fault, that means your thinking is already very biased and twisted. The streak of meanness that you show is much worse than my gripe which was based on how I was feeling on a pretty bad day. Your utterly stupid and self-righteous opinion just shows this is how you are every single day so I pity the people who have to deal with YOU in real life, therefore, it just slid right off of me and you can just take a hike!

          • S. O. Rooney

            I’m with you, Iluv Merengue. As they say, “haters gotta hate.”

          • S. O. Rooney

            I wish you nasty people would get over yourselves, or get off of here. Surely a lot (though not all) of what kind of adult a child becomes has to do with whether they were raised in a loving, caring environment, by parents with integrity and good modeling. If I were to make any blind judgments about good parent/bad parent, I think these nasty rants and criticisms would probably be a good clue.

    • disgusted

      I completely agree with you. And to you Bro chill, I agree with you too. With many of the adult children that mimi describes & there are MANY, one shouldn’t have children b/c you don’t know what you’re going to get!

      • 85Silver

        Agreed. Plus most adults are too narcissistic to care for them properly anyhow. I guess that’s what happens when children are treated like accessories and on the same level as pets but w more social rules attached.
        You can’t win for losing if you live in a place that fosters narcs like LA or Washington.

    • Kjenk

      Children are a reflection of their parents, you have no one to blame but yourself!

      • 85Silver

        Not a complete reflection you moron.

      • Brenda Thompson-Vidal

        Not always. Stop blaming parents for everything. These grown kids know right from wrong regardless. They all need to accept the blame for their own actions, grow up and stop putting the blame on their parents for all that goes wrong in their terrible life.

        • #OwnItFckrs

          You get what you give. In every situation. THAT is what you get!
          Maybe the PARENTS need to take responsibility. Providing a roof over a child’s head and shelling out for necessities doesn’t make a “mom” or “dad”, that means you’re taking care of what you created! Which is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY in the first place, which is NOT something the child OWES you for!!!!!!!
          Don’t worry, MIMI and BRENDA are projecting: I’m sure their kids HATE them.
          #FigureItOut #IgnoranceisNOTbliss #youCANteachanolddognewtricks

          • Sara Bloom

            Hello. Grow up. No one owes anybody anything. It’s just nice when our adult children realize they aren’t the center of the universe and try to give a little too. Geez. How rotten are you?

        • Please, look inside yourelf

          Not always. Stop blaming [kids] for everything. These grown [parents] know right from wrong regardless. They all need to accept the blame for their own actions, grow up and stop putting the blame on their [kids] for all that goes wrong in their terrible life.

          • keleee

            When do you stop calling them “kids” and start calling them adults? 18, 21? Kids learn what they live, not what we tell them. If you start trying to reel them in at 10 and teaching them about responsibility you have a lot better luck then trying to do it at 18. If you sit around the house all day doing nothing you are modeling that life to your child. If you work hard and expect your children to work for their money they will always have a job because it is a family value. I don’t blame kids for their lack of self disapline as that is learned trial and error but I do blame “adult” children for not standing on their own. We have children and raise them to adulthood and then they go out and learn the rest in their 20’s. It’s like the mother bird teaching the baby bird to fly and then shoving them out of the nest so they can go build their own. I’m not saying it’s easy and letting my son go was one of the hardest things I had to do. I cried when he got his first apartment at 23. I got a puppy to help with the empty nest syndrome and it really helped. I recently was diagnosed with cancer and it’s terminal. I now am glad that I have a son that can take care of himself when I’m gone. Who plans on dying at 50! I have some peace knowing he will be fine on his own.

        • Belle Bohemienne

          That doesn’t apply to all kids. Many times the parents and society are to blame because of environment and lifestyle. I see a lot of lumping one or the other into one category and it’s not realistic, logical or correct. Do you realize how many kids go on to stay in a pattern created by parents who were drug addicts and abusers? Some kids grow up to have great lives and others have been torn and destroyed so much, they will not recover just because they are legally adults. This is in part due to nature vs. nurture, which both in part can play a role as to how kids grow, mature, make decisions, learn coping mechanisms, and develop self esteem and self confidence. There are no absolutes when it comes to describing parents or kids as a whole and no two people are the same in how life effects them and how they cope with what they’ve been given. You can teach all you want to a child who has mental disabilities or who’ve suffered psychological damage by a parent/parents, but telling someone to go out and get some self esteem and solely support your severely damaged psyche, now that you’re 18, and you have no one to blame but yourself for your actions because law states you’re an adult is ridiculously naive and ignorant. Yes, sometimes the parents are to blame or do you not watch the news where all the adults in a family, including grandparents, take joy in locking kids in trunks for punishment or literally nail children to walls, burn them with cigarette butts, cut them with knives, make them endure years of solitary confinement and keep them contained in small cages or pimp their kids out for drugs. Then there’s the narcissistic parents who severely damage their children psychologically or completely ignore or invalidate their children’s feelings, thoughts, or personal problems only to find mom or dad knows best and you’re being ridiculous to say you’re going through this or to be upset because this happened to you because I know better than you, or they employ the wonderfully abusive tactic of gaslighting. But as many here have said, the kids should take responsibility for all that goes wrong in their terrible life once they’re grown up, because from there on out they should be able to make adult decisions and have a world of knowledge to base those decisions off of and the parents did their best as they abused them psychologically, physically or sexually. There are some overindulgent, self entitled kids who believe only in instant gratification, but even parents who do their best can still mess their kids up or ostracize one or two of their kids because they singled only certain ones out to take their frustrations out on or pick on and even encourage their other children to do the same. They can still grow up to make good decisions and be self reliant eventually with major therapy, but that doesn’t mean they’ve healed from abuse and mistreatment at the hands of their parents or one parent and many end up repeating the same mistakes their parents made because that is how they were conditioned to respond/act. Many end up treating their kids, when they have their own, in the manner they were treated because of how they were conditioned. There needs to be accountability on both sides, because there is never just one side to a story and there’s a reason much of time as to why kids act out even in their late teens early 20s before they get their crap together or sometimes never get their crap together. Being a parent also doesn’t end at 18 once a kid graduates HS, as many parents believe.

      • cookie23

        Finally someone said it!!! I have a mom that is overly critical towards me about everything I do and it really pisses me off. There are other things that she does that really bothers me. Whenever I try my best to have an adult conversation about the things that she says and does that really bothers me, she gets highly defensive. Not only that, because I do not have a lot going on in my life besides school and working at a retail store, which I hate with a passion, she compares me to my cousins that are more fortunate than me, which makes me feel like a piece of sh*t. Instead of making me feel like a piece of sh*t, she should encourage me to do better, not put me down. I am guilty of making poor decisions, but I am learning from my mistakes and trying my best to do better AND prove her wrong that I can achieve my goal and have the career that I want. I am a few credits away from a bachelor’s degree and even THAT doesn’t impress her. I feel like I should not even bother looking for her approval anymore. My father on the other hand, gives me constructive criticism instead of destructive criticism whenever I f**k up on something and supports most of the things I want to do in life unless he thinks that something that I want to do may be risky. I feel like I can go to him more than my mom and I even told him that before.

    • princecharming

      I feel sorry for your children. I have no doubt they will spend the rest of their lives trying to fix the damage you did to them. You need a license to drive a car. Too bad you don’t need one to have chldren.

      • Brenda Thompson-Vidal

        See, that is where you’re wrong. Self entitlement right there! This is what parents should do for their kids until they turn adult age. Once they have become an adult, they’re on their own. If a parent wishes to continue to help, great, other wise parents don’t owe you nothing. Get that straight!

        • Jcrizzy

          Brenda… You sound like you shouldn’t have had kids because you know that with the choice to have a kid means the responsibilty to care/feed/clothe that child… PS: What if your parents refuse to let you be a man and be independent… Then your argument falls to complete sh-t.

          • Steve

            Jcrizzy I am glad to see some people still have some sense in this world. Brenda I am sorry but any parent with that kind of attitude has some learning to do. If you choose to have a kid then it does take A LOT of responsibility. You can’t just completely cut your kid off at 18 in today’s world and expect them to get anywhere. I agree that some kids can be “snobby” “manipulative” “liars” or just flat out mean at times. But we all can. Also usually kids/younger adults of any age aren’t just mean to their parents for no reason. Honestly I was flat out mean to my parents some times for what seemed like BS reasons to them but we’re reasons I would have died for. Everyones different and every kid will see things in at least somewhat of a different perspective than their parents will at times but we we’re all born good people. It is up to the parents to do everything they can to set their kids up for the future… even after 18. It can be difficult and heartbreaking at times but why have kids in the first place if you don’t plan on doing everything you can to watch your kids succeed???

          • Janet L Davis

            You’re right…as a parent you agree to care/feed/clothe a child…

            A CHILD.

            This “adult child” nonsense is the issue. When you are an adult, at 18, you should be at least ready to have a hand in your own future. Parents can help, but they shouldn’t STILL be doing it all.

            After age 18, your parents are done. Anything else is a gift, they don’t owe their adult kids a fully paid for adulthood. I helped my daughter, the first year of college fully paid for, and I paid half every year afterwards. She was required to work, apply for student loans, grants & cover the rest. After college she moved hone for 9 months, I charged rent that I put into a savings for her to have when she moved out & she did move out 9 months later.

            Today she is happy m, healthy & accomplished, a lot of it she got ON HER OWN. Adult kids should follow her example…

        • S. O. Rooney

          Do you love your children, by any chance? I love mine, and I would do anything for them. And you know what? They would do anything for me. Having children is not a business contract. It’s all about love…and respect.

        • Melody

          Brenda, I read your posts and I totally agree with all you said. I have a 22 year old still living at home and thinks we and the world owe her something. We are done. The sooner she leaves the better our lives will be! Blaming parents for everything is wrong.

        • Kathy

          Absolutely! That is totally the truth!

        • hellonurse

          I can see there that you don’t show respect to your children AT ALL! Probably just demand ALL YOU TIME, and probably one of those old school parents who DEMAND respect, not give it freely!

      • Kathy

        You are so mean. You have no idea what this woman may have gone thru. You don’t think there are any greedy, selfish adult children out there. Please don’t tell me it is all the parents fault. Sometimes you cannot put good in people and sometimes you cannot take it away.

        • hellonurse

          Yeah, way to project that onto princecharming! You’re taking the side of a narcissist? Princecharming, don’t like to this bitch! She has nothing to do in life, and she’s an enabler!

      • Janet L Davis

        Actually, I disagree.

        Parents owe their children a firm footing & start in life, good childhood, happy & stable home, etc…but as to providing adult children with the tools & support they need to be able to make doing something they find fulfilling?

        I have to ask, when would it end? When are a parents duties fulfilled? It seems to me that the age of parental responsibility for kids keeps headed higher l, well into adulthood. And that’s sad. It’s starting to seem the norm for parents to fully pay for college while kids don’t work & go to school, to keep adult kids on their health insurance until age 26 & to pay rent, cell phone & food costs well into the end of their 20’s. This is outrageous.

        When will a parent ever be done “raising” a kid if this continues? Whatever happened to kids getting a part time job in the junior or senior year of high school, saving money from it & using that towards at least some of the items they need for school…why aren’t kids expected to take up the mantel of adulthood at age 18, 19 like we were? Why are we increasingly placing the burden of an adult child’s cost of living on their parents?

        Yes, I know the economy has changed, but still, I feel as if today’s kids do not try as hard as we did or our parents. I’m 41, and I paid my way through college, still chipping away at 1 remaining loan, I worked almost full time while going to school full time & did as much as I could for myself as possible at 18-19. I moved out & couldn’t have imagined moving home after being gone from home.

        These days it’s more as if the teen expects college to be paid for so they can emerge debt free or for the parents to pay health insurance or to cover cost of living until they find the job they WANT. And it’s wrong…on every level. Somewhere along the way kids stopped thinking they were adults at age 18, unless in terms of being able to call the shots in terms of their lives, even if living at home & mom and dad paying for everything.

        Kids today don’t work or try as hard as we did. That’s a fact. And it’s not unreasonable to think that once your child is say, 22-23 that your parental burden of paying for everything be coming to a rapid if not total close. Anything else is madness.

        • Miss Taken

          I agree 100%. Well stated. What has happened to the 40 something generation on raising children. You are an adult at 18. ANY form of support after that is a gift to the adult child. I agree with assisting with college education which comes with a meal plan! What’s with needing groceries and a meal plan? You will fancy your own indulgences and be responsible for your own shopping sprees. Again ANY form of support after the age of 18 is a GIFT! Not to be expected but APPRECIATED. What will a future society comprised of a bunch of lazy, entitled, ungrateful, selfish and greedy adults be like?? REALITY CHECK PLEASE!!!

      • Barbara Elliott

        Ya know……I kind of think many of the responses on this thread are no doubt posted by KIDS who have grudges against their parents and are on here looking for answers. So, ya don’t like what you hear and you SOUND OFF lmao…….go have kids…..then come back when they are teenagers or YOUNG ADULTS …..and please quit with the whines….. advise is given here…and experience. Grow up and focus….. it’s not always the parents faults….and it’s not always the kid’s faults. My kids were spoiled……and they are great….although sometimes we still argue like cat’s and dogs….but that’s just LIFE IN THE BIG CITY AND REGARDLESS THEY ARE STILL YOUR KIDS AND THEY ARE STILL YOUR PARENTS. Ya don’t get seconds they are original and sacred. All kids (oh excuse me) YOUNG ADULTS…..SEEM TO THINK THEY KNOW EVERYTHING (UNTIL THEY TURN ABOUT 30 TO 35) THEN THEY ARE ADULTS and seem to WELCOME ANY ADVISE the parents have to offer. Young Adults in my opinion aren’t even close to being mature until they hit 30 to 35. EXPERIENCE IS THE KEY F~N word…until you have experience under your belts Kids….you just will have to learn by your MISTAKES.

    • Sutekh

      Projection much? kids don’t avoid older parents without a reason.

      • Nanmurph

        Well said
        Mean, spiteful, and will die alone with because your getting what you give.

        • Leslie

          It was pretty harsh, I have to agree.

        • darkman69

          Stfu ! You sound like part of the problem…. the problem being so many kids today are entitled little do nothings.

        • Carol

          So, I grew up dirt poor. My mom, and dad didn’t stay married long enough to see how their kids would turn out or have any ideas about my brother, and my future. We were both on the street, and fighting for the next meal to worry about what little future we had. Parents weren’t an issue because they were vanished from our lives. Fast forward to my own kids. It’s hard to teach your child something that you never had the benefit of learning yourself. You just do the best you can. You know that your love for your child runs just as deep as any parents does. But, how do adult children of absent and/or dysfunctional childhoods raise their own kids in a healthy way? My biggest fear of raising my kids was that they would have to live in despair, and poverty like I did. I never wanted my kids to have to lower their own value in order to survive or condition themselves to accept morally degrading acts so they could obtain some of the very basic needs in life. I wanted my children to have the opportunity for an education so they could compete in an increasingly more populated, and competitive world. I never even finished high school. So, this was my mission. What they decided to do with their lives is their choice. I just wanted to make sure that they had every tool, or opportunity to succeed. I want them to have options. Now, I struggle to keep all of us above water so they can attend college. My oldest graduated with his degree in Criminal Justice, started his own family, and moved out years ago. One down, two to go. But, having both adult kids at home, and not working due to full time academics has its draw backs. I feel taken advantage of sometimes, I feel lied to about certain things, I feel like they expect me to do everything for them, and that they are sometimes just going through the motions and don’t really care or even want to get a higher education. I struggle financially, and feel like I split hairs or micro manage money. I’m suspicious of their behavior sometimes, and they tell me I’m paranoid. But, I’m committed to seeing this through no matter what. Not because I owe it to them but because I owe it to myself. Because in my case…my only legacy will be the kids….the adults I leave behind, and the ones after them.

    • Judy

      I’m not sure what your child has or has not done to you to cause you to feel this way. I’m not judging you. I know kids can be selfish. However, I also know that my mother was emotionally abusive, physically abusive and verbally abusive. I’m 38 with grown children and she still uses anyone if it benefits her and if it hurts me even better. Now I’m trying to figure out how to not be like her and raise my children to be happy productive citizens and not have the issues I have. I think this selfish not caring thing can be learned and can go both ways.

    • Brenda Thompson-Vidal

      My oldest is the worst. The more I help, the more trouble I stay in.

    • Justin

      I would bet anything you are a baby boomer writing this.. It’s funny how you BBers think you know it all, yet you have wrecked this country. Hardly the type of people qualified to make petty remarks..

    • Mimi is a baby boomer no doubt

      Give me a break… Sounds like you are looking for consolation because if you can’t handle the duties and all the good/bad that comes with being a parent then you should not have kids… Then again Mimi is a babyboomer, and there’s a reason they are known as the most pathetic generation in American history..

    • Mark

      You baby boomers fostered a culture of selfishness that’s the point… That’s why it’s so funny when you guys write stuff like this… The millenials are a direct reflection of the culture you built and pushed in America, where it’s all about instant gratification. So in my mind the millenials got the selfishness from the BBs who everyone now knows are to blame.. You probably will vote for Trump too…. *Rolls eyes*

      • Ann

        Wrong. Every generation in America collectively gets worst as time moves forward. Twenty years from now, if we are all still here you yourself will begin to notice the shift before you die and then your grandchildren will blame all the problems on you. There has never been a reverse of moral decay it has progressively gotten worse since the birth of America.

    • Micky Kearns

      Not all adult kids are like that. One can’t simply imply that the sons and daughters of these “some parents” are all the same. “some” do try for their parents but only to be rewarded with “what you could have done better”. Both parties are guilty but are your “adults kids” may have not been adults as longs you. Instead of correcting and judging, try guiding.

    • Emily

      I don’t think children owe their parents anything because children didn’t ask to be brought to this world. It’s the parent that decided to bring a child into their lives to care for. Yes it’s nice and awesome if the child wants to help the parent in old age but if people are having children just because they think the child will owe them later in life then that is not fair in anyway. Yes help your parents but you do not owe anything to your parents. No body was asked to be put on this earth. If you have a child you should already accept all the responsibilities it takes to raise and care for a child until they leave home and take care of themselves. Whatever they decide to do with their life is up to them, not up to the parent.

      • Shar

        I think Emily needs a reality check on what respect means. Her parents gave alot for her to have a life and she will not acknowledge the things they tought her. I pray they were good parents to her and tought her right from wrong and how to love one another it is her choice to be an ungrateful, rude, uncaring person. Good luck in your life Emily!

    • darkman69

      These new generations are nothing but…. entitled brats… this I agree with 100%..

    • hellonurse

      She hasn’t responded? WHAT A NARCISSISTIC COWARD! First she spews her venom then retreats before somebody has her head. She’s a narcissist that will says harsh things, then hides, just like those managers that quit before they get fired after they have done heinous crimes!

    • Sara Bloom

      I agree, there comes a time when you have to let go. My youngest son lived with me until he was 28. He had a good job, a couple of motorcycles, a car, and anything else he could pay for. I asked him to pay the electric bill, the water bill, and for the cable TV because I am a widow now at 62 living on survivor’s benefits, I paid for food and the rest of the bills.

      I told him many times he should be living on his own, but he really did live cheaper with me. Then he started dating a girl who also was still living with her parents. They finally got married and got their own place. No way were they going to live with me. All my kids paid for their own extras by getting a job. Yes I let them use my car until they could get one of their own.

      I was never interested in their romantic lives and do not meddle in their adult lives, although I keep in touch with them through text messages. I don’t like some of the choices they make, but they are adults, and I figure they are the ones who have to live with their decisions. I’d like to see them a little more often, but blah, I don’t have a lot in common with what they do now. All I ask is that I can text one of them once a day to let someone know I’m OK. They don’t seem to mind, usually it’s my youngest son, who also lets me log onto his Netflix account still, and has me on his cell phone plan.

      People need to cool it with each other and quit expecting the family that churches, the media, and corporate America portray. I know a lot of people caught up in that who think I am an uncaring parent. A lot of people I know are with the grandchildren every day, I think that sucks, but they think that’s what good families do. Other ones I know think there’s something wrong if you don’t have everyone over for dinner on holidays. That’s the BS stuff that gets people hating each other over nothing.

  • mom

    Is there a rule of thumb on how often you should call your adult children? I ask because my daughter and I are close and we would talk every couple of days. My husband would say I am calling her too much, so I don’t call her and then she is offended because she says she is the one calling me all the time and I don’t call you enough. I feel like I am in this losing game. Should I just let her call me all the time?

    • janese creech

      I have a son and it may be diff..I know his wife and her mother talk often..4-5 times a weeks

    • Lorilu

      I know, this is a difficult question. We want to treat our grown children as we would a close friend or other relative. I think you should do what your daughter seems to like. If she’s conveying that she’d like you to call more often, then go ahead and do it. But always be willing to make the call short and sweet if it seems like she’s too busy to talk.

    • S. O. Rooney

      Below is good advice from Lorilu and janese creech. I would add one thing. Thank your lucky stars.

  • fromperpig

    One of my most proudest moments of my life occurred just a week or so, ago. My 25 yo daughter changed my mom’s diaper. My mother is 94. Heck, it was only, “yesterday”, my mother showed me how to change a proper diaper…for that very same girl!
    It’s my understanding, this article serves to “educate” parents on how to deal with their “adult” children. Good grief! This is totally @$$-backwards! What in the world are we talking about, here? If you don’t teach your kids, early on, the importance of honesty, respect, hard work and accountability, your adult kids will grow to be big pr!cks regardless what you do or say around them.

    If you’re a proper role-model for your children from the “get-go”, then, once they reach adulthood, nothing changes. You don’t behave, differently. You don’t change the way you talk to them. Geeze, isn’t that the whole point of having a family? To provide your kids with every opportunity you can afford in the hopes that they will not just meet but exceed your expectations?

    Or, are we suppose to play games, never express our feelings and tip-toe around each other so nobody gets pi$$ed off? imo, this article is for parents who gave their kids, “everything”, except for one thing. An “honest” home where people can trust one another, no questions asked.

    • Iluv Merengue

      I definitely agree with you. I know that as a single parent, maybe out of subconscious guilt I might not have been as consistent as I should have in what I tried to teach, so they began to take a lot for granted when they were older, BUT I have not hesitated in “straightening” them out, we all make mistakes and at least my mistake was in trying to be a “really” good mother.

      The above brought resentments on my part and then from theirs, I ended up moving 2 states away and our relationship was a bit strained for a few years, but I never budged because I know how manipulative children can be, and I was raised to believe that a good parent should be honored. Things have been getting better and it’s required some effort on my part to not always say what’s on my mind, and to a better way to say it if I feel I must because I know sometimes I don’t quite “filter” my thoughts. But when I know I’m right I don’t care if they get pissed, I did when I didn’t like what my parents said, and only when I got much older I realized they just had my best interests at heart and I’m very grateful for that.

      • Thank god you’re not my mom

        Hahaha oh wow

    • S. O. Rooney

      I just have to comment this once more. People are ranting about how terrible their kids are, that they don’t owe them anything, etc., etc. What happened to love? I have three all-important words: LOVE, RESPECT, GOOD MODELING. (Well, four words, but those are the essential ingredients for raising good kids. Well being stable and dependable help, too.)

    • Rana Abdulla

      You just pulled the words out of my mouth, thank you

    • dandilion

      you raised a wonderful daughter; she sounds like an angel ♥

  • Lori Jackson

    My daughter graduated with a bachelors in math at age 27. She spent 2 years applying for jobs and finally got an entry level job making $500. a week. She lives in LA and her rent for a small, old apartment is $1100. We agreed to pay her rent for one year hoping she’d move up. She got a promotion in 4 months to $800. a week so we reduced what we pay for her rent to $550. I also pay her cellphone bill, buy her dogs food, buy her clothes etc. She routinely tells me she doesn’t have enough money to eat. She is 30 years old. The next promotion will mean $1250. a week, but may be another 6 months. It has been a year. She recently let a friend move in with her and she is not paying rent and I have told her I’m not paying the rent anymore. I told her not to let her move in unless she pays half the rent. Now, my daughter is mad at me and won’t talk to me. Have I helped her too much? Am I being unfair?

    • Iluv Merengue

      Yes, you helped her too much and, no, you’re not being unfair. Your having to ask these questions give me the impression she’s been
      good at guilt-tripping you to make you feel sorry for her but your true
      responsibility ended when she turned 18, or 21 at most, so she’s been riding on the gravy train for too long now. If LA’s too expensive she should just move, or get a responsible roommate, period.

      By my own experience many children today take for granted what’s given to them. So, let her be angry, she’ll get over it eventually. My own daughter’s that age and has 2 jobs so she can pay her debts AND also help me a little bit. Be strong even if you miss her, and don’t give in. Your job was to make her a productive adult, not to continue solving her problems throughout her life. The sad part is that children only begin to understand their parents after they have children of their own, and the way yours is going might be a good while if ever.

      • Adam Rinkleff

        you are all over the place, in one post you talk about how selfish your children are, and here you mention your daughter works two jobs so she can help you — maybe you are the selfish one

        • Iluv Merengue

          I don’t know for sure if she took the 2nd job so she can help me (considering the small and irregular amount of money she’s been sending), it was really just a guess. But as it turns out, she told me during a recent phone conversation that she likes the 2nd job way better than the first, so it’s working out well for her. Besides, she graduated last year from her psychology studies so all this experience is of benefit to her new career so I only feel a little bad about it when I wish I could stand on my own to feet. But she’s young and has the energy to do it while I feel so fatigued most days I can barely drag myself out of bed and do the minimum to survive, I don’t even have medical insurance so I cannot get any treatment, have tried clinics but they were really a waste of time because the services they provide cannot address my health problems properly.

          My kids were pretty selfish growing up, a common case of “only children”, being that one’s a male and the other female, they still qualify in many ways according to the experts as they have to share very few things among themselves. Unlikely all the other teens I knew who got jobs at supermarkets and burger joints they both felt they were “too good” for that, the job my son wanted at a computer store didn’t hire anyone under 18 and my daughter only tried one summer at a mall because she went with a friend, but nobody called her back. However, my BFF, who was married for the 2nd time, has 2 daughters who started working early to help with their school clothes and materials, and later they fully paid for their college education whereas I had to supply everything even going into debt. And speaking of debt, I had to take up a school loan to help my son and got it paid off in a few years but he never finished paying his. His father had been the one who’d offered to help him so he could go to school but he just conveniently disappeared. Btw, my BFF has a younger son (22+) who lives at home and doesn’t want to work even in his father’s business anymore, and they barely get by with what they make out of it due to the economy. So it’s a matter of temperament and character. So me selfish? I don’t think so.

          You just don’t live in the real world, that’s all. In the U.S.A. the defense of children’s rights has now elevated to a cult in which some children are excessively coddled. In some families children are so sheltered that they grow up totally unable to face the responsibilities of adult life, many feel very entitled and expect the whole world to treat them like Mommy and Daddy did, but guess what, nobody else is going to do that, so many crash and burn in just a few years. Like it or not, the majority of people in this world can’t make ends meet, and about 1/2 the population of the earth lives in dire poverty, so a lot of the world’s children have no choice but to work to help support themselves, fair or not (and my own father had to do it) some are even made slaves. So give me a darn break! For me, a low income single mother, to have wished my children chipped in during their mid and late teens, at least during the summer, is not selfish at all, it’s even the “American” way. And the reason my children are less selfish now is because I’ve made them aware of it, which makes them better people in society anyway.

          I’ve always observed this crazy thing in this life: children who have good parents often complain because their parents do not fit their idea of “perfection” and they take for granted a lot of things. Yet, those who have to grow up as orphans would give anything to have half of what they have, but it’s not because they’re “better”, it’s just because they grew up without. It’s human nature to be ungrateful, so it was my job as a parent to teach my children to be grateful and not just takers throughout their life.

        • cookie23

          I was just thinking that lol.

    • Lorilu

      You’re not being unfair. You helped your daughter until she is 30 years old! Time for her to stand on her own two feet; and since she has a bachelor’s in math, she should be able to figure out how to pay her bills. You shouldn’t be buying her dogs food and her clothing, or paying rent for her and her friend.

      Step back, Mom, and start saving that money for your own retirement.

    • Adam Rinkleff

      yes, you are selfish. she got a ba in math so she has proven she is smart, hard-working, dedicated, and determined. you are being unrealistic about economic reality and destroying her life and the future of your family, all because you are too selfish to help pay rent.

      • Iluv Merengue

        Adam… don’t you think you’re being a little biased…? Can you stop and think that just like there’s unfortunate children like you who had no real help from their parents, there REALLY are good parents who get taken advantage of? 30 used to be considered “old” not that long ago! She could be married and raising a family, meaning having a LOT more responsibility than just paying her own rent. I really cannot understand how anyone would think it’s fair that the parent continues to pay rent when she’s invited a “bum” to live with her, why can’t that friend get A JOB and contribute as she should???

        I know we all judge circumstances mostly out of our own experiences but when dealing with different people with different lives we can’t use the same yardstick all the time. The fact stands that at 18 by law a person is an adult here in the U.S. (and most parts of the world) and she’s 12 years past that, bad economy or whatever notwithstanding. That is plenty of time for her to get her own act together, period. Her parents responsibility ENDED long ago, what she’s getting now is simply out of the kindness of a loving parent’s heart, it’s NOT an obligation anymore!

        It is selfish to think that parents don’t have a right to be concerned about their OWN future, when they can no longer work. It goes both ways Adam, it can’t all be for the children, parents don’t exist to cover their children’s needs forever, they’re there to TEACH children what they need to know so they can do it THEMSELVES. It’s like that in part of the animal kingdom, most birds and mammals teach their young how to fend for themselves and they push them out on their own as soon as they’ve learned (but there’s the reptiles and fish, etc., who only lay eggs or whatever and go “bye-bye”).

      • Iluv Merengue

        Hmm, I think I confused you with “princecharming”, but I bet anything your story is a lot like his, otherwise why else would you be so heavily biased in favor of grown children??? The “else” could be that or you’re just a “troll”… so which is it Adam???

    • Lorilu

      You are not being unfair. You pick up many of her expenses, as well as help with rent. At $800 week, your daughter is making over $40,000 a year, not a huge sum, but she is on her way. I think you are right to moderate your assistance, especially since her friend is living there and should be sharing the rent payment. I have kids, too, and I know how it hurts to be at odds with them. But you are teaching her a very important lesson: to stand on what appears to be her own very capable two feet.

    • cookie23

      I do think that your daughter should have had the roommate helped with the rent while living with her. However, I think cutting off helping her pay the rent is a bit harsh. Even $1250 a week is not enough to make ends meet in L.A. The cost of living is crazy over there. If she wantes to, she could pick a different state where the cost of living is cheaper, but makea sure that she will have that much money first at a different company as oppose to working at a place that pays less.

  • Jojo

    My mother asked me to leave her house at age 17. I had no job, no work experience, no sexual experience (so I couldn’t successful pick up that trade), I had a step father. And even though he loved me very much he kept his distance from me because my mother did not want him and me to have any kind of relationship.
    So at 17 I went to a man I knew since was a little girl. His older daughter and I were primary school friends. My mother was so threated by having a illegitimate daugher around her husband that she asked me to go stay with this man at age 17. He was 43 years old. That’s where I lost my virginity.
    I don’t understand how parents can be so selfish towards their own children. I don’t agree that a parent is responsible to paying their children’s bills. But I feel it is a parents responsibility to prepare their children for the world. Not shuve them off like my mother did. I am 35 now and I don’t have a relationship with her or my stepfather. I live oceans away. My mother has so much hate for me that she tells aweful stories about me to my younger siblings. They are my stepfather a real children.

    • Iluv Merengue

      So sorry you had it so tough, but it’s hard for me to believe she told you to leave out of the blue, there’s got to be more to your story than that, and as Dr. Phil always said “no matter how flat you make a pancake it always has 2 sides”, and no one here can talk to your mother to hear her side to verify if all you say is so. I’m not trying to take her side (because if she really did that for no reason it was very selfish) but I also know how we all “conveniently” leave out details that might make us look bad.

      I hope you have received counseling or that you’ll consider to so you can move on in life as none of us can do anything to make others change, we can only change ourselves. If you can’t afford it, at least try to read some good “self-help” books, it’s not good to go through life feeling like a victim and with unforgiveness in your heart, not for their sake but for your own.

      • S. O. Rooney

        For some reason, what you are saying to this poor girl, Iluv Merengue, reminds me of the “blame the victim syndrome.” She has obviously had a horrible, horrible thing to live through at a young age. Why pester her with unimportant details? Her life was obviously a nightmare. At least give her, and the others here, some credit for living through it. And by the way, when a mother tells her inexperienced daughter to move out of 17 years of age… you call that “selfish?” I call it abuse. Her poor, misguided parents should be in jail.

    • Rochelle

      When I was about 1 year old my mama killed my dad, she says was self defense. I have 4 brothers with the same dad. She later had 4 more children with other men. I also have a older sister who she had before she met my dad. Well growing up with her was horrible. My last 2 siblings dad, they fought so much, stabbed one another and everything. I was abused through out my child hood. I had my first child at 16 in the 11th grade. I did graduate from high school and 2 month later she took a knife and stabbed me in the hand and took a brass candle stick holder and burst my face open. I had stitches inside and out of my jaw. I eventually left home and met this guy. Long story short, i though he could take me away from the abuse i grew up in and he abused me too, physically and I wind up having all 3 of my children taken through the state and placed for adoption. Now my oldest is 26 and was pregnant and had a son.she didn’t include me in her child’s birth nor have i seen my first grand son. My second child has a daughter and he does include me in his daughter life. I haven’t seen them since November because they live in my state but different city. I learned how to text and before i texted he answered the phone every time I called or he returned my calls. My youngest is by my x husband the one who let me down and she’s 16 and still is in the system. She’s been there since she was 1.

  • Cm

    My son is 20 years old. Away at college and very financially irresponsible. He works off and on but I still help him with spending money. I don’t mind helping him, I just mind that he doesn’t appreciate my help. I have cut back what I give him and stopped at times. Overall he is not a bad young adult, but I do feel he is selfish, spends money selfishly and irresponsibly and only cares about being with his friends. I often feel like I’m failing because he is so selfish and I want/expect him to be more grateful.

    • Iluv Merengue

      My kids have been pretty selfish but I did not hesitate to tell them so, I helped them until each was 26, perhaps trying to compensate for the voluntary absence of their selfish father, who for no reason at all, decided to disappear from their lives as well.

      Now the tables have turned and I’m the one needing some help and I also have not hesitated to tell them that the right thing to do is to be here for me in my time of need as I was for them so they could get to where they are today (both professionals).

      Today’s world encourages selfishness and irresponsibility so don’t take all the blame yourself, but do set limits and remember that his brain won’t be fully developed until he’s 25.

  • Cm

    Also, Mimi I feel very sorry for you. Either you had children and they disappointed you, or you haven’t had any, and if that’s the case you don’t understand the joy they can bring. Regardless, if I were your child and you spoke like that to or about me, I would go far away too. You sound miserable and I’d prefer to be around happy people.

    • Iluv Merengue

      How do you know she didn’t become miserable while raising kids who turned out ungrateful? I sacrificed A LOT as a single Mom and my kids took it all for granted for a long time, I became pretty resentful because even getting them to help with the chores was like pulling teeth. Neither got a little p/t job while in HS to help out and still trying to be a good Mom I let them live with me to their mid 20s. My son moved out when he was 26 only because of a g/f (who’s now his wife) but if I had not left 2 years later heaven knows when my daughter, who was 26 at the time too, would’ve moved out. I believe they just took after their father who is pretty selfish too.

      • princecharming

        As a mother, it is your duty to sacrifice a lot. As a single mother, it is your responsibility to sacrifice even more. They didn’t ask to be born, and if given a choice, they most likely wouldn’t have chosen to be born into a deprived environment to a single mom/dropout who struggles against poverty. Having children is a privelige, and you should be grateful you had the chance to have them. Also, I think it’s disgraceful that you expect them to support you even though they are of the age where they are still struggling. Shame on you!

        • Iluv Merengue

          You are judging in complete ignorance so you should be the one shamed.

          1) I did sacrifice for them because they needed me, my problem is not with that but with them taking it for granted after they became ADULTS.

          2) I wonder why it is that you’ve jumped on me without ever wondering where the father was. Well, even though it’s none of your business I’ll tell you you just to teach you not to judge: he cheated and left the family for someone else when they were 3 and almost 2 and disengaged himself from his children. And it wasn’t the first time he’d cheated, I was just forgiving and believed everyone deserves a 2nd chance. However, he proved to be an insecure, selfish and immature man that couldn’t handle any hardship and thought mostly of himself. The ironic thing is that years later he had to leave his 2nd wife, he literally ran out with only the clothes on his back because she turned out to be a psycho… and guess who helped him get new clothes so he could go to job interviews… Yet, some time later he disappeared and broke off communication with his children for good. We found out he’d married a 3rd time and moved to yet another state. And no, he was not a “loser” when I met him – that I could tell – he was a U.S. Marine on Embassy duty with some reasonable aspirations for the future.

          3) FYI, I was not a dropout either, but “here” they don’t take seriously the education people get in other countries, even when it’s superior to the crap children are taught here. So I just didn’t get good job opportunities. Another reason is precisely that I put my children first, it was the time when children’s pictures were in the back of milk cartons so I DON’T regret that, but it did come with a price. I was more concerned about keeping my children safe, well-fed and loved, than getting a 2nd job. With no family around I didn’t want them to be in the hands of strangers more than they already had to be in school and day care. But when they got a little older I did quite a bit of overtime and at one point went back to school hoping to increase my income, but it was just too much for me and I ended up sick and doctors were not any help.

          4) And why do you get the idea that I expect them to support me? A bit of help does NOT equal support! I’m unable to work, yes, but I do receive a small income, there’s just not enough for everything, and I’m talking about BASICS, I don’t even pay for internet or any other “luxuries”; I’ve always been thrifty and lived within my means. I am almost 63 and my children are now 32+ and almost 31 so there is NOTHING wrong with them doing some of the giving instead of always being takers, they also have good jobs, way better than I ever had so you don’t have to feel bad for them.

          5) In reality, they don’t send money every month and it’s not a big amount my any means, and I would certainly much prefer to be fully independent but it just hasn’t worked out that way, in part due to all the STRESS I had while raising them by myself.

          6) I grew up in a different culture where children DO help their parents if they need it. My father used to give his mother, who also couldn’t work, some money while raising a family of his own (3 kids) and he never complained about it, so that’s the example I grew up with. I also helped my mother with things she needed a lot of times (after she spent the money her 2nd husband left her) even though I had 2 sisters that had much better means than me and lived in the same country she did, but that’s not what mattered to me but what I considered to be MY duty to her.

          7) Lastly, I don’t know where you get your values from but I get mine from the Bible and according to it children who don’t help their parents when they are struggling are worse than unbelievers, so I’ve no reason to feel any shame. You’re the one who needs to feel ashamed for stating biased opinions about the life of someone you don’t know. You obviously are a thoughtless and cold person who does not know what it is like to have any compassion for others.

          • princecharming

            Everybody on here is writing hateful things about children, and you said some things that bothered me. That scumbag mimi isnt responding anymore so, since you said some bad things, I respond to you instead. I am judgemental and it’s about time the children start speaking out and judging the parents.

            My father was an abusive drunk and my mother was abusive too. I have scars , real physical injuries that never healed properly, not to mention the psychological damage they did to me. They nearly destroyed men, and it is difficult for me to function socially and professionally because of my injuries.

            Neither of them worked. My father was in the military, just as your husband was, and faked a disability so he could get out of his service duty and never have to work all the while being supported by tax payers. The result was that I grew up in poverty. I was malnurished and sickly.

            I lived in such isolation that it was easy for my parents to lie to Child protective services investigators and the police whenever they came around to investigate my situation. There was nobody to help me or speak up for me.

            My parents told me I was horrible as long as I could remember and would daily tell me they didn’t want me, to run away, kill myself, etc. And they were Christians . Their favorite parts of the bible were the ones where the parents would stone their children to death for being “ungrateful.” or whatever they were on me for. So when I see parents saying their children were horrible, I can only think of my own childhood in hell. I wish somebody had intervened and taken me away fromthose horrible people.

            Anyway, your xhusband sounds bad, but you’ve got to put your children first. Today’s economy is hard, but you need to make sure your children have a fair chance to make something of themselves and succeed in life. Then they can help you, but if they’re struggling, it is crazy and selfish to ask them for financial support. I don’t know if they are stable yet or not.

            Maybe you can move in with one of them if you need to, but you need to respect the fact that the economy is horrible in the USA and even worse in Europe where I live. My bagboy at the grocery store has a college degree in engineering at an American university. The janitor who cleans my office has a college degree (PhD) in chemistry but not American. Even with an education, life is a struggle. I was very lucky to escape the poverty and misery I was born into. Not many can.

          • Iluv Merengue

            Listen, thank you for taking the time to tell me your story, I can see where you’re coming from and believe me, despite of your unfair judgment of me my heart went out to you because no one deserves to grow up like you did, but please understand that not everyone is like your parents so next time wait to know more before you jump on somebody’s throat.

            I was actually having a bad day when I wrote what I first did, I’d needed some money my daughter offered (a few months ago I’d only asked for like $25/mo. to help me pay for my car insurance as I can’t be without a car where I live) and although she’s been way more consistent than her brother, she waited till the last minute to try to make a transfer and then that didn’t work so without letting me know she sent a check instead, but that meant I had to mail the check out of town because I’d closed my local account due to inactivity. I had encountered a big and unexpected problem with my insurance (through no fault of my own) and getting the money on time could’ve solved the problem. I got very upset because they’d been late other times in the past when I needed help, and that caused me anxiety and embarrassment. I’d taught them how to budget as soon as they got their first job so I felt they could include even a small amount to help me. And so many times I stretched myself for them even after they were adults with jobs, that it made me sad and even angry to feel I was last in their list.

            If you knew them both, you’d know they love to spend on themselves, and not on “dollar store” stuff like they saw me do. I think because when they were growing up they spent quite a few summers around their cousins who were well-off and also got spoiled by my parents, they wish they had more than I could provide (and believe me, I still sometimes feel VERY bad about the modest life we lived). So if they “struggle” it’s been because they didn’t like living within their means and also because now the economy stinks. But then their father had “champagne taste with Coca Cola pockets” so maybe it’s also in their blood.

            And btw, I don’t even think he was a “bad” man, just immature and not responsible enough, I really loved him which is why I kept forgiving him. After he disappeared what I’ve thought is that he probably had some mental issues himself. I struggled with depression so that didn’t exactly make my life raising children by myself a “walk in the park”. I do admit I felt burdened a lot of times, but I also loved my children fiercely and I’m proud that despite my shortcomings I was able to do a pretty good job, but I also had good parents who helped, and I’m grateful to God for that.

            Living with my children now is totally out of the question for many reasons, perhaps along the line when I’m older. I still have some hope that I can get better so I can get a p/t job or at least sell items that I crochet as I’ve done sporadically in the past. But for some reason this summer I’ve been feeling extraordinarily fatigued, so much so I can’t keep up with my chores and that bothers me a lot.

            I can definitely understand how you feel about the Bible if your parents used it as a weapon against you. I even distanced myself from it for about 10 years, not completely because I can see the truth in most of it, but enough to have sort of had my way in some things, but I never stopped praying even if sometimes I was rather angry with God. But I think He used “Conspiracy Theories” about the New World Order (if you’re not familiar with that I suggest you google it) to remind me about the “end time” prophecies and I could see that they’re coming true at a fast pace so I began reconciling myself with God even if I still don’t understand a lot of stuff.

            But at least, using it the right away, without condemnation or shaming, I know it helped me raise my kids better. We used to go to church, read the Bible (or Bible stories) and pray together and they enjoyed it. My daughter has been in a “denomination” I don’t like for the last 5-6 years but God had allowed me to be in it myself (when younger than her) so I’ve stopped telling her what I think about it. My son has gone to church on and of for years and sometimes I’ve exhorted him to keep going so he can give his kids a good moral foundation like he and his sister have and because of the “end times” thing but I don’t harp about it or anything, it’s up to him to decide.

            When judging your parents please try to understand that they very likely grew up in miserable homes themselves where their own parents didn’t want them and belittled them, not that it justifies how they treated you but it can explain the demonic “programming” that prevented them from doing any better, it takes being very damage to treat kids the way they treated you. I know it would be difficult for you to feel any compassion for them but perhaps it can help you to forgive them eventually simply because they didn’t “know” what they were doing, they were used by demons to due what the “enemy” does best (kill, steal and destroy). Jesus set the example for us by forgiving those who crucified him precisely saying “Forgive them Father because they do not know what they’re doing!”. I’m sure that might be a stretch for you now but I feel that God cared about you by giving you the strength to survive it all and be where you are today, as you yourself said “not many can”. I congratulate you for overcoming your circumstances, that shows that despite your negative experiences you have strength and determination which are great qualities to have.

            Aaah! I feel much better now that we’ve “talked” :-D, I hope you do too; I want you to know that I’ve said a little prayer for you. I feel you’re a really good person with much potential to contribute a lot of good to this evil-stricken world. Try to remember what I’ve always told my children in times of difficulties: “It’s just a ‘test’, it’s all a test”. Life is like a school, we’re here to learn lessons, and those we don’t grasp we’re bound to repeat, either until we learn them or get destroyed by the negativity they generate. Also, things happen for “a reason”, perhaps we came here to post to get a chance to have this “conversation” and I hope it will have a positive effect on you. Thanks again for being so open here, I know it’s not easy so God bless you for that!

          • Read this

            2 Corinthians 12:14

      • Adam Rinkleff

        sounds like you hate your children, that’s not a good mother

        • Iluv Merengue

          Oh, get a life, who cares what some bonehead stranger in the internet thinks??? You’re probably the type who believes love is always “mushy” and permissive and perhaps you don’t even have children, or they run the show.

          Regardless of our past differences, when my children got into their late 20s they both told me how much they appreciated the way I’d raised them because they learned to stay out of trouble and were SO clear on a lot of stuff that their peers were not; plus they’re both affectionate and pretty well-balanced adults and you don’t learn that from a “bad mother”. I remember one afternoon when my daughter was like 15 or 16 and she gave me a hug and thanked me for being so open with her, she’d learned that one of her classmates was being poorly treated by her mother and b/f, they told her that if she didn’t like it she could move out but she had nowhere to go, while I’d separated from my 2nd husband mainly because he was too tough with them.

          Their friends were always welcome in our little home, my son’s best friend even called me “Mom”, so what exactly do you think you know about me as a Mom???

  • Meg

    We have a grandniece that moved right out of high school because she was sick of being manipulated. We had raised her mother from the time she was 12 and she always thought the world owed her. (She just turned 40). Her mother knew we were always available for financial & morale support and she took advantage of us time and time again. Everything was fine as long as we minded. As soon as she got what she wanted, we were dirt again. This went on until she was 30, when she wanted us to pay her bills. She had two children by this time with two different fathers, and was living with her now husband. He wasn’t working and neither was she. We said enough. We have jobs, you get a job. So for 10 years we haven’t been able to see the kids other than birthdays and Christmas. Now that her oldest has moved out, has a job and enrolled in college, she “just can’t help her”. She has turned her back on her own daughter because she doesn’t want her to accomplish what she didn’t. She even tried to mess up the financial assistance her daughter needs.(luckily we caught that in time). But she still expects her daughter to do what she says. We have stepped in and helped out because she has no one else. And it isn’t because she asked. I just can’t understand why some parents have to treat their children so bad when they can’t control them. If this is the way she had been raised, it would be different!!

    • Meg

      And by the way, her mother “Can’t help her out” “Can’t afford to do anything” but she can get tattoos monthly.

  • Ba’al

    First, the money thing. If it’s your money, you can attach any conditions to it you like. Period. Financial support means the cash is never in the possession of my kids. I pay a car payment every other month for both kids. And both are authorized users on a credit card of mine. And I insist on reasonableness in the use of that card i.e. necessities. And the credit limit is $1000.00, so if they are tempted to go crazy, I go on line and shut down the authorized card. My wife and I have always been careful with money and the kids grew up listening to our discussions about money. As a result they are grateful for what they get, and don’t abuse the situation. Setting boundaries starts when they are beginning to walk. A lot of what I’m reading here sounds like the result of overindulgent parenting. If you raised your kids with care, and if you helped as best you could with college, if that applies to your situation, you have done your share, and have discharged your responsibilities. Anything beyond that is a gift to your children. If they don’t see it that way, then cut them off.

    As far as the advice thing is concerned, I made it clear to my kids when they went off to college that they were now the captains of their ships. They would own the glory, and they would own the crap, that came from their life decisions. If they broach the subject, I will tactfully give my view. But it ends there. Life is short, too short. And I’ve done my part for them. I love them but I’m not going to try to live their lives. And I have no desire to do so. It’s just my point of view on these matters. I don’t expect everyone to agree with me.

    • Protoss X

      my parents didn’t buy me a car or any kind of credit card…i earn my keep, i earn everything i own and i die with it

      you should be ashamed very ashamed sir

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      • cookie23

        I agree with your statement. I rather struggle to get to where I want to get to than hear “You would not have this and that if it wasn’t for me.” I always try my best to do everything on my own. Once in a while, I ask for help, but I have always either paid my father back or helped him when he needed it.

      • AutismDad

        You’re a D-bag

        • Protoss X

          why do you and your kids exist? whats the point? most normal people contribute to society in positive ways and are cost effective

          • AutismDad

            That doesn’t even describe you low life.

          • AutismDad

            Hilarious. I’d like to know what you contribute to society besides urine soaked sheets and feces smeared clothing.

    • Theresa Cole

      You, sir are the over indulgent parent. By paying for their cars and providing then with a line of credit which ultimately they are not responsible for (if they can’t make a payment, daddy will), you are enabling them to continue to ely on you and thwart their independence.

    • dandilion

      wow …. just WOW. i had to pick my jaw up off the floor after reading how much you spoil your children rotten, & you are CLUELESS about it. by supplying them with some of your money each month, they get to over-spend that amount every month. if anything negative happens to your finances & they are suddenly cut off, they’ll go into a tailspin. they won’t know how to keep their heads above water, just because of you. shame on you.
      if you have that much extra money each month, donate that amount monthly to AUTISM SPEAKS or cancer research, for pete’s sake! @ least it will go to folks who NEED & deserve it.

      • QuietDisposition

        Autism Speaks is actually a horrible organization, run by ableist people. Their focus is on the neurotypical family members, and they have no interest in advocating for what actual Austistic people say they need, as Austistic people have no voice there.

      • zxvf

        ” if anything negative happens to your finances & they are suddenly cut off, they’ll go into a tailspin.”
        I think that’s his underlying goal. Although I’m sure he would deny it.

        • MW142

          Of course it is. Half of these “parents” patting themselves on the back and/or bemoaning their kids are exactly the same sorts. “I help them because I’m a loving”….couldn’t be for control, or to make sure they don’t ” embarrass” you relative to your friends’ kids, or you’re compensating etc.

          As for many of the others…you made them, you raised them but if they’re failures it is clearly all their fault? Nothing narcissistic about that mentality..

    • zxvf

      I understand Ba’al’s position to be outside the norm. I really just view it as being different. Can’t say at this point if it is a bad approach. Definitely seems like Satanic ideals.

  • Mike

    Have a 19 year old son who hasn’t spoken to me for 1 year. He has a gaming weakness for long time. Was in college and failed many courses. I paid everything for college. Knew he was gaming and gave all kinds of suggestions to get him outside and away from computer. He lived far from me and only control I had was money. Started limiting his spending money trying to force him to get part time job. Nothing. He has lied so many times I have lost count. Since he failed college, he has not spoken to me and has gotten low paying job in restaurant. Now I say nothing and appears he is gone until he probably wants money for something but I will not give it unless I am convinced of his sincerity which will be very difficult to do. Any suggestions. His mother is not helpful at all.

    • youll figure it out

      stop the funds.. hes a lucky boy to have a dad who even cares about his education at all and spends even 1 dollar with him …he should be lucky youre not a crack head and didnt pawn his games lol im serious though, thats not real life and he wont make it out there on his own. you know know this.. some kids work their entire way through college,full time with no help.. because they have to… does anyone want to? NO haha obvi not. …so survival will always prevail, needs over wants .you provide all the “needs” so he goes with the wants…

  • Its too late

    If your kids don’t love you or it doesn’t seem that they do, then its your fault. You( as a parent) have not built the trust and connection needed for a great relationship. The kids do make mistakes but you know what, trust is everything. You always have rules but be lenient with them. If a child breaks it once, remind them of it, if they do it again, then you can yell at them, but you don’t need to overreact right away. Don’t always feel like you are right and not listen to their opinions because that alone could ruin the relationship because if you dont let your child have a voice, they are going to grow wrong and shy and not be able to do anything for themselves. Just because it is wrong in your eyes, make sure to think about how they are seeing it. Remember who is the adult in this relationship.
    Kids will always mess up. It is the parents job to be there for them and not let the same mistake happen again.

    Remember; your kids don’t have to love you. But it is and always will your job to love them back

  • Iluv Merengue

    You are obviously from another culture, aren’t you?

    • S. O. Rooney

      What is that supposed to mean?

    • hellonurse

      People, stay away from this person. She’s projecting things and don’t want to own up to her vicious behavior!

    • Belle Bohemienne

      Having her attitude, goals in life and perceptions does not mean she’s from a different culture. I know many kids in high school with her wonderful attitude and good traits. There’s nothing in her statements that would be perceived as her having come from another culture…… Build up, don’t tear down with your poor assumptions.

  • Caroo

    #8 Don’t: don’t constantly whine to your grown child about money or repeatedly ask for gifts!

    I’m a married & newly successful professional who has just became financially independent. As my financial footing becomes more sure, I’ve noticed my mother more frequently request money or gifts, or have expectations that I will finance family trips, take her out wining and dining and treat her to spas, etc. Most recently she’s asked me to get her a credit card so that she can make personal purchases on my dime. She’s sitting on seven digits of liquid and real estate assets but constantly asks us (my brother and I) to spoil her and pay for things. I’m absolutely frustrated because I’m approaching my 30s and I’m still saving up to buy my own property (I unfortunately live in one of the most high cost cities in my country). My husband and I are unsure if we can even afford to have kids.

    Today she gleefully said “Wait until your brother
    gets out of school and finds a full time job. Then my life will be so easy and you’ll each give me a credit card, right?”. I’m absolutely disgusted by this but at the same time I’m wracked by guilt. Aging parents, please don’t ever put your adult children in a position such as this. If you raised a decent human being they will feel completely torn between trying to be a good child and securing their financial independence.

    • sounds self centered

      next time ask her how much money she has and you cannot really afford it sorry… and just keep like that, dont speak of money. shes not poor as you said.. so its not up to you.. you owe no one a living..why does she think of money so much..im dirt poor and i try to not let it worry me lol that wouldnt be “living” thats not what lifes about ..

  • Alison R Wynder

    Parenting is the most stressful yet rewarding job ever given to a person. Man or woman. I believe if u think about what you do as a parent for your child makes you a better parent then some. This is not like the commercials or tv sitcoms by any means. But as a child with no family who grew up on her own and now having the responsibility of raising a person whom will be part of my elder society, I love any idea of how to help. If you took time to look and read then YOU are trying. That is the true sign of a parent who cares and is trying. SO IF U ARE READING THIS, GOOD JOB AND KEEP TRYING TO DO THE BEST U CAN FOR THAT CHILD! Loving them and trying to help them is all a kid really needs I think…. but who am I in the bigger jist of things? A parent trying my best at making my childs life the best quality available .. xoxo keep goin parents. <3

  • Joe

    This is a toxic thread of discussion, in my view.
    I came looking to understand my bad feelings about my Mom and myself, yet now I feel violated by the comments here. I cannot control what Mom says to me, and I will seek my answers for peace and love elsewhere.

  • damward

    After my divorce and their dads remarriage, I find myself missing my kids a lot. My son especially does not visit or spend a lot of time with me. I have taken on all the good advice, got my own life, etc., and make sure that I am always happy and content when I do get to spend time with them. He does spend a lot of time with his step-mom which hurts and only because I am “alone”. How can I, in a positive way, express to my son how much I would love to spend “time” with him, my daughter-in-law and grandson doing fun things like he does with the step-family. His dad passed away last year maybe that’s why he spends so much time with his step-family? I still find it hard.

  • Denese Wong

    This was a really helpful article. It helped me realize that I was invading my adult son’s space too much via Facebook, and that I need to back off.

  • Facefriend

    Sure. That’s the “beauty” of society nowadays. Dump your kids when they turn 18, after all, the law says they are adults. Still, their brains are not fully developed.

    • cookie23

      Very well said 🙌🙌🙌🙌

  • Leslie

    I thought the article offered good advice. I spent some time with my adult kids this Summer and it wasnt as nice as it has been. They seem to do better with knowing I am there for them but not always in their face. I miss them, they make me happy and so full of hope. It seems like kids today need their space I guess. I hope one day they will seek me out. Guess I better get a life, lol

  • Mad world

    It may be normal, but it’s not good

  • abusive

    no one can disrespect you. you are a good kid. you seem it to me.. you know that. your are just trying to advance your education. with a girl.. a connection shes probably never felt with a man. so she is unhappy with her self and takes it out you.. i am sorry, hang in there.. cant find much else for 200$ but maybe rent a room off some one else.. id start looking..

  • apexadam

    I think this is a good article helping parents have boundaries and remain connected with their children.

  • patty

    I would love to reply to this, This is just my opinion. I am only giving my views on my situation. We have raised 5 wonderful children. In all these years we have tried to instill good morals and values into their everyday lives. We were never the perfect Parents we made our share of mistakes, We hurt because our children hurt, we stood by them in times where we disagreed with them but they always knew we loved them unconditionally. We instilled in them that respect goes both ways and the outcomes may not have been what they expected. Our children knew that we are Parents first and friends when they were older. We knew that we had to provide all the love we could give and the basic needs of their lives. WE felt anything more we could give them was a plus! Responsibility always came first . I never felt I owed my children anything except love and a roof over their heads, food in their stomachs and the best role models we could be. You can be the best parent out there but your children turn out different. We as parents can only do our best. So for all the negativity on here we can all learn a lesson in the phase we cant down others because we do not walk in there shoes, just assume its their opinion no matter how sad it is it is their story. I am not a therapist just a Parent that loves their kids with all my heart. As we age I will hope my children stand by us but if it is not meant to be then we are on our own. I nver had children to help me as I got older I had children to make a family and enjoy my life.

  • Irene Carlson


  • Jay Fowler

    My 29 year old daughter is studying for her master’s degree. I let her use my car.
    She doesn’t live at home. I have to turn down job’s because she has my car.
    She knows that I’m about to lose my home if I don’t get a job, yet she ignores this fact. I pay for her cell bill and car insurance. How do I make her listen not just hear me.

    • Lorilu

      You must take care of yourself, and your home. It is time to take back your car and tell her to find other transportation so you can take a job. How are you going to live if you lose your home? She’s an adult, now, and must take on adult responsibility.

    • cookie23

      Wow. That’s selfish of her. The only way at this point to get her to listen to you is by not paying for her bills at all.

  • Marie

    I find it very hurting when my son was closer then. Now please help
    He had a broom in my face cause of arguing….

  • ljd63

    How can I get my adult daughter (27) to stop shoving her boyfriend down our throats. I don’t care for him and she knows it and tries to put him into every situation that we do together and it causes conflicts. I now try to avoid every situation that we would normally do as a family if I know he could possible be involved with. Now even if he isn’t with us say to go out for dinner she will bring him up knowing it will get under my skin. I don’t say anything any more and it just seems to make her bring him up more and its like she acts as though she has control over me by bringing him up or putting him into our family get togethers. She puts my husband in the middle because he is more easy going. The boyfriend just got off of parole for having a felony for trying to purchase a gun illegally and now he right out told me he is smoking pot, and smoking it with his parents. I don’t think he is a good role model for our grandson, and he is immature. I always give everyone a second chance after we were told he was a felon. But then as soon as he got off of parole he is drinking and smoking pot. Help.

  • En Dee Em ~Phonics!

    I’m a 20yr old autistic adult with gilbert’s syndrome; I’ve been living on my own for a year now and I’ve had financial support from my dad; I can honestly say that he thinks I’m selfish, that I take the help he gives me for granted. etc. I could go on but that’s not the point of this post.
    At this point in my life I feel like I’m in a box, I’m in an ok paying job, (about 1.5x minimum wage, with 40hours a week) but it’s not enough to cover all my bills; Essentially the problem is this: When I moved out my father helped me pick out an apartment (Which he assures me is cheap, but it’s pretty expensive, and is in the most expensive nearby county) And he uses money to control most of my actions. The situation at home was volatile so I definitely don’t want to move back in, so if I job hop there’s a chance I might lose my apartment, however I can’t save up enough for a down payment for another apartment (one that is cheaper) because money is so tight. it feels like everything I do is controlled by him, either directly or indirectly.

    Now this isn’t all bad, I can definitely say he cares, and it has taught me how to manage my money, but there’s a point where I have to draw the line. I’ve always been afraid to approach him about things (he’s military) and whenever I try to make a stand, to make a decision for myself it will always get shot down with a threat of “so you’re saying you don’t need the money I give you each month?” The car I received from him graduation is on it’s last legs, and I have no ability to purchase a new one. My mechanic says it will last at most a year…and if it dies because my job is corporate there’s a good chance I’ll lose my job if that happens. (I wouldn’t mind too much if i had another source of income, I hate the job)

    All this while i’ve been trying to save up for college, (because I want to actually go to college for the things I love, and not what he thinks will make me successful) and whenever I manage to save up a little bit of money it always feels like something happens to blow away my savings…I still don’t understand how scholarships, grants etc. work but I do know my father still claims me on his taxes, and because of that I don’t qualify for a lot of low income things. and I’m absolutely against getting any student loans.

    Eh…I guess the point I’m trying (and failing at making is) My dad isn’t a horrible person, I can see he’s made mistakes, and I can see he cares about me. But I want the space to make my own decisions, but I also want the help in case I need it, I would love to learn how to do my own taxes, or change the oil on my car, or heck even spend some father son time together even though we haven’t since I was around 12 or so. I’m lost and confused at the most vulnerable stage of my life, and I’ve been backed into a corner by this thing called money. I want to be able to do what I want, without destroying the relationship I have with my father, but sometimes it’s just hard. somedays I just want to give up and stop trying. Some days I want to die, but there are days that I definitely do want to live (A majority of them thankfully) and I have dreams and goals. but…if this is the life I have to look forward to, constantly living in fear of pissing off my father and having income help disapear, working a soulless corporate job for the rest of my life (or atleast until i’m too old for college to be worth it) then…I don’t know….is a life doing something you don’t want even worth it? A life where your goals, dreams, and aspirations get farther and farther away with each passing day?

    I know growing up I’ve had a troubled time with my parents (father, mother, stepmother, etc.) and I’ve gotten a reputation for being untrustworthy, unreliable, etc. (a lot of it unintentional, but a lot of it was my fault as well, and a lot of it I did learn from my parents…(Divorce…you know the drill)
    A lot of this may be biased, and it’s definitely only from my point of view…but as a young adult, I just wanted to share my thoughts…The parent(s) aren’t entirely at fault, and I’ve screwed up a lot too, I Honestly think that usually the fault lies in both parties, but each party can only see one side, what they want, either for themselves, or for the other, what they think needs to happen, and why.

    I’m not even sure why i’m writing all this…but all I can say at this point…if things don’t improve…I’ll be moving into a cheaper apt with a friend or coworker, (with all the risks of doing so) and I’ll be breaking off contact with my father, and potentially the rest of my scattered family. I have no wish to be controlled, used, or abused, regardless of it’s unintentional or with good intentions. eventually I’ll be moving out of state, and cancelling my phone (will probably switch to an internet based phone line)…I’m not sure how to break something like this to the person who I both love and fear…but I can’t go on like this, with my father acting like a child whenever I try to do something for me. whether it be for my mental health, or whatever. I’m done, I will live my own life, regardless of whether it will get me killed, thrown into a ditch, or just straight up homeless. It’s better than being controlled.

  • NDM

    Your parents sound awesome…just saying.

  • Julie T

    None of this addresses my situation where my adult son won’t talk to me at all, is a liar, and cruel.

  • Marie

    My is changing and its hurting me at age 20 he’s pulling to only friends and I know that wants me out of life

  • Marie

    He’s uncle my sick brother is turning him against me, my brother even just called police on me cause he can’t cope with reality that he never worked a day in his life cause he was hallways with mom….

  • Marie

    My son in so many words told me to get out of his room after he just came home how to deal with it…..after giving everything

  • BR

    Don’t think that you don’t need to display basic manners and social effort when you are a guest in their home. My MIL spent the last visit declining attempts to involve her in conversation and instead presenting us with her rear end for 3-6 hours a day, she was Chatty Cathy with a stranger she’ll never see again, and now she thinks we’re going to share an infant with her. She, of course, sees herself as a total victim.

  • Marie

    My son is turning 20 he doesn’t even say hello to me and know he’s doing things
    Drugs and Drinking……

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  • 31IT3

    My girlfriends mom is so fricken ridiculous. We are both 18 and she is in University we need to sneak around because her mom wont let her date. If she does date anyone she threatens to disown her and take away her college money.. I don’t know what to do. Me and her have been together for three years and we plan on getting married but her mom scares her and I don’t know what to do. We tried telling her mom once but she just flipped out saying “I would get in the way of her education” which is complete bull! I wish she would just stand up to her mother but she wont shes to scared.. She said she would never leave me and that we will marry after college but if she catches us seeing each other on the weekend.. What will happen then? I really cant stand my girlfriends mother for doing this to her. It irritates me so bad!

  • Marie

    It hurts that my son at age 20 doesn’t even call

    • randomFLgirl

      It doesn’t mean they dont love you. He is probabaly busy and when things are out of sight they are out of mind. Also believe it or not some 20 somethings arent all attached to their cell phones as u may think. And if he is in college there is even more a reason he doesn’t call!!

  • Sara Bloom

    I think people commenting on both sides of this argument are selfish. I raised three children. I run into parents who are perennially angry because their adult children won’t give them enough attention and also adult children who are perennially angry because Mom and Dad said no to babysitting the grandchildren. Adult children should be free to live as they choose, while parents should be free to let go already. Yuck! I was just communicating with someone who can’t understand why her adult son shows her so little respect, She also makes it clear she doesn’t like the woman he’s about to marry? WTH is wrong with people?

  • Java

    I wish my mother would read this because she does nearly everything this article says not to (I am 26..) and I want to get away from her- badly. I am stuck at home at the moment, though, so I feel unable to move on because every step I take it will make her disaprove of me even more..

  • jrallnella

    As a person who lives with his parents, I freaking hate it. It very one sided since my dad has cancer it got worse.
    They don’t treat me as an adult. They have all say and the one time I stand up to them he fallow me to my room and yelled at me to move out just because I didn’t help my sister carry stuff out to the car because I was emotionally and need space. The next time he dose it I am calling the cops on him for harassment. Ever since that day I don’t trust my parents anymore.

  • noclist

    Tough love is the best love you can give; otherwise your kids grow up to be dependent losers.

  • sye

    I have an adult child, that I bent over backwards all her life, at 24 she left the house, still communicated for about 9 months and now nothing. Doesn’t ask how I am, her brother is doing, her 84 year old grandpa who is mentally ill. Nothing, I am unemployed and because of my dad, having hard finding the right hours to work, asked her a few months ago to help out 100 bucks a month just for few months, completely refused, I was in shock, told me to get a job and was dumb founded, GOD only knows how much extra money I spent on her beyond the basics all her life including adult life and now turned her back on her family with explanation, yes I am with you Brenda, not all but some are leeches. Since I lost my job and couldn’t continue living the way we were, she leaves and yes she has a job and gers paid well.

  • artsie fartsie

    I am apalled at some of the hateful judgemental comments here. Parenting is difficult. Every family situation varies. All people are individuals. Not every action a young adult chooses is based on upbringing. Outside influences are greater and stronger than ever before. Peer pressure, media and advertising, divorce, inherited mental health issues, availability of drugs, both parents working, and more that I can’t think of. Geeze, most of us love our kids so much and do the best we can with the tools we have. None of us are perfect. There does come a time to let go and as situations vary, the appropriate time and age to do so varies. It is important to be respectful from the beginning and certainly at the time of detachment. We also need to respect ourselves. I wish every parent here the very best. For me personally, parenting has been my biggest joy and my deepest pain. God be with us all.

    • Cheryl

      Artsie, you have got it right. That is exactly the way I feel about it. You have to pick and choose the things we give our children. If we give them every luxury that comes along we are definitely in for a world of hurt and what are these children going to do when we as parents are gone?

  • Car

    My dad disagrees with my problems, every time I tell him how I have been mentally affected in the city I live due to the fact of multiple job changes, he disagrees with me, and every time I asked him for help on college or trade schools, he uses money to say that he provides for me to get out of talking about college.

  • KTB

    College kids may be working on a higher education….but they’re still just kids. http://killingthebreeze.com/college-students-arent-quite-real-adults-yet/

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  • joan

    ok i need help my son has lived with me for years and he is 29 years old he lived with his girlfriend for a while and then i said why dont you come back home and live until you can get back on your feet for a couple of months well that turned into over a year. they smoke dope in my house they say they dont. my son doesnt do anything for anyone he just got a job and gave me 250 and said heres the rent. Rent are you kidding i want them gone do i really have to go get a notice to leave my home when i was nice enough to say come i will help you????

    • randomFLgirl

      Why should your own child have to pay rent in their parents home? You brought them into this world, they never asked to be born.

    • randomFLgirl

      You do however have a right to say who can and cannot be in your home. I.e. his girlfriend and his drugs. So if he has drugs in ur home and you’ve asked him to stop, let him know next time you’ll be calling authorities

  • Marie

    It hurts that my sons attuide has changed to me he doesn’t even say hello, he put broom to my throat… I can’t get the change in him plus my brother his uncle who never had children is giving me direction how to rise him cause I was checking his room finding drugs and alcohol he put lock on his room help

  • Paul Raymond

    Looking at all the snapping and namecalling in here, it seems that both parents, and possibly kids, if any are posting here, are in the wrong. SMH.

  • P

    I wish my mom would read parenting stuff, she had a rough childhood with no really help or love and support from her mom so as a mom she doesnt know how to react to situations appropriately ,its very frustrating cause when there is something going on with me she dosent really care to help me or to even figure out what’s wrong instead she will make things worse for me and I’m sure it’s not intentional but if she tried to understand what I’m going through she wouldn’t but she dosent bother and when I get to my breaking point I try to tell her that it makes me feel bad she twist up my words saying that I keep making accusations of her and say that I have a mental illness and need to see a psychologist instead of working out any situations she tells me to stay away from her and I can’t go out w her and fam I know she has a crazy past but its also a past she dosent share w us I learn new crazy things about it all the time and I feel like it has a lot to do with how she handles things now .

  • Karen

    Hey Paul,
    It must be very discouraging to try to find work in this economy, and coping with the Aspergers/autism thing makes interviews and customer service work tricky. Focusing on YOUR special skills might be the best thing in the meantime. If you like writing, ignore the naysayers and WRITE. Don’t give a crap if it pays right now. I’ve been surprised over the years how skills that came from my time in art school (which didn’t lead directly to a paying job) have been massively helpful in my role as a lab manager now.

    You seem to be interested in politics and the current state of affairs of people your age…why not start with an anonymous blog about that, or join an online writers group if you prefer fiction? There are plenty out there and the best part is, you can bypass your friends and family and any opinions they have and find a writer’s community of your own.

    Best of luck. Follow your dreams and someday the money will come.

  • Michelle

    I have a 20 years son who has a girlfriend who has mental problem she depressed has tried killing herself 4 times… She is taking advantage of my son he has bought her a cell phone a laptop and ect… A whole bunch of stuff I telling my son that she’s just using humbug he won’t listen to me this girl has a 3 year old son that her mother is caring for Ive spoking to her mother but she just like her daughter I think her mother should be responsible to care for her own daughter I don’t know what to do I’m going crazy help I keeping praying and trying to trust in God but I’m going crazy inside

    • randomFLgirl

      If your son has the money, let him make his own mistakes with it. You alreafy tried telling him, he will realize he’s the moron sooner or later. Or maybe he really loves her wants to use his money to help her regardless of what happens in their relationship. Isn’t that would Jesus would do? Love without boundaries

  • Lauren Nicole Shedd

    I am 21, still at home till I graduate in 10 months… But my parents still tell me that if I don’t come straight home after school to study and make A’s, I will lose my car and have no way to go to college cause I commute every day and also if I don’t stop talking to guy, dad said tonight he’d bring my future in nursing to an end because I’m in my last year of nursing school… Please, help. I cry myself to sleep because I am so unhappy and I’d move out if I could… They just keep pushing me away.. And I cannot wait to get out so I can have some freedom to actually be myself and to make my own decisions at 21 years old…

    • RockieMountain

      Just hang in there please. This is exactly why I married so I could run away from my parents at 20. Lucklily the man I married is a good man and loves me and I love him too. But I wish I could have waited more, live freely, enjoy college and just have a normal healthy young adult life. I now have way more freedom than I did but also have wife responsabilities. So my advise is you’re not alone, just hang in there, be strong. You will soon be done and be able to find a job that is well paid and you will be able to be independent. I know how it feels, no matter what you say they wont understand. If you need someone to talk to im here :)

    • 2boysincollege

      Lauren, go through the motions until you graduate. Find a job immediately. Nurses are always in very high demand, and run like hell from your parents home. After you’ve been on your own, and are making your own way in life, tell your dad he’s an asshole that didn’t respect the fact that you were still an adult….when you depended on his generosity while in school. The problem most people have about “giving” seems to be the true lack of understanding that when you give, it’s usually for the benefit of the person doing the giving because it makes them feel good that they are giving. So, really…they are helping themselves more than they are you.

    • MW142

      2boysincollege is right. You need to run and never go back. That kind of controlling garbage will never stop if you don’t stop it. They’ll be angry as hell when you do but that’s their problem not your’s.

  • Aabel

    Try telling that to my parents, especially my father. “Nobody are gonna tell me how to rise my own children, or how to behave around them when they are adults.” Or at least that’s what he used to say. His non-parenting behavior has alienated him completely from his children, and after my parents divorced he has become a lonely man with zero contact with his children. And I actually don’t feel bad about it. He asked for it. If not in words, than at least through his actions.

  • George Manu

    Jay is just another stupid troll looking for negative attention.

  • RockieMountain

    Nothing ever changed for me after turning 18. I still had to ask permission and even beg my parents to let me go on a simple date (maybe because I’m a female?), to the movies or out to eat…during day time. Even at 19 it still was the same. I met a guy who I liked very much, we could only go out after 5pm bcus he worked during the day, I was lucky they let me go out to the movies one night. The date went well nothing bad happened he was a gentleman. Guess what, that night I come home, while im in my room my dad comes in tells me Im not allowed to go out at night anymore. Broke me down, what chances would I have with this guy, none of course. I didnt have a job at the time since I was going to college full time and parents wanted me to study not work. I just pushed my self away from the guy, no chances for us at all. I then got a job at a restaurant, after a while my dad refused to let me borrow his car anymore, he said it was putting miles on it since the place was like 10-15 minutes away. Well there it went the job, no way to get to it. Time has gone by, Im a married woman now, I got married without their knowlwdge, why? Bcus I know they would have tried to stop me from doing so, they would not approve of any guy ever. They always cared for what people would think or say. Reason why I share all this, so other parents dont go strict extreme with their daughters, I wish I’d have a trusting relationship with my mother, like you see on movies. I married young, and sometimes I ask myself why I ran to marriage so fast. When I was dating my now husband I had to ask permission all the time to go on dates, and they didnt like us hanging out everyday, and thats what we wanted, to see each other everyday, I mean it was like I was 13. I hated that feeling of not having control over my love life. Wanted to add my husband was my first time after we married. So I was that good of a girl the whole time, even when I had chances to go bad I never did so for respect to myself. So parents pls build a trusting relationship with your child, dont push them away with stupid and strict rules just so you can have a peace of mind, think about them first. Dont be selfish. I really wish I’d live my young life a little more. I really feel that If id have more freedom Id not married how and when I did. I dont blame them for my bad choices or mistakes but I always wonder how would it be if things had been different.

  • thomas

    Dont keep bringing up crap from 35 years ago. It’s not your life it’s theirs!

  • Sarah G

    What about all the times I loved my parents and cared for them but they still offended and hurt me by making hurtful comments. I don’t need their advice and comments but they keep lecturing me. Sometimes I can’t wait till I’m gone and free from this advice.

  • isa

    this is typical American parent advice. It is wrong from the beginning to the end. Big fat bolony . This is why most American kids do not get their parents, before and after!

  • Connie Perry

    Ba’al will you adopt me? good lord…

  • Stranger

    Inspite of my age having lived at home so long with my parents they are still lecturing me. They don’t really care about the love and affection I give them. Only because I’m not married I can’t live on my own. But I still try my best to help them and take care of them.

  • jubilee

    Am 20 years old and am doing nursing,my course for this year was for six months so now am sitting at home waiting for the next year to continue with my studies..so now am looking for a job and I got one the problem is my parents are against my decision of finding myself a piece job..what can I do

  • Jasper

    I’ve got it the other way round. I have a mom who won’t leave. I’m a single working mom of two kids 17 & 15. My mother thinks that being around makes things better when the truth is it makes things worse. She is retired has a home of her own and sometimes I help her financially. If I ask her to leave (nicely) she takes it as me being mean and says fine you don’t want me here. Totally lays a guilt trip on me. My mom is not that great at communicating and when the subject comes up she shuts down. I could really use some serious advice. And please this has been difficult enough so ease off on the rude or nasty comments. Thanks!

  • Ellen

    This might be a little off, but what my mother would always do is try to compare me to other people. I have heard that it is unhealthy to compare a person to other people, as each person is unique and has to be their own person. What made it really bad for me was to have to listen to my mother all through my teen years to a few years ago, is she was always trying to compare me to people who have no relevance in my life, or people who I have known to do worse than me in some areas. My mother just wasn’t aware of the bad sides of some of these people she was trying to compare me to. I don’t have a close relationship with my mother, and she is now trying to make amends. She even apologized to me out of the blue for the way she treated me, which really surprised me because she always told me that she has nothing to apologize for. I don’t know how much of that was from her or from someone advising her to apologize. My mom is starting to understand that since I am an adult, she cannot tell me what to do. She does ask me questions about things, and I tell her some things, but I never discuss money with her. She sometimes will put her two cents in when she has no clue about what my situation really is. If someone’s car is falling apart and is the same age as my car, she assumes that my car is also falling apart, which wasn’t the case. I sometimes correct her on things, other times I tell her that is not how it is for me.

  • Tom

    what about if the adult child (daughter) only wants a relationship with her dad when and only when she wants financial support off him, and expect him not to get involved in whatever reason they want the money, and if he says no for whatever reason, she foul-mouth him and threatens him she wont see her and her child (grandson) again, and she totally rejects to remember or acknowledge he ever helped her in the past when he could? How do you deal with that? She screams in her dads face in front of her adult friends that you never gave her anything, when she is living in your house, cause her mum threw her out and you are paying her bills, but still refuses to acknowledge anything her dad done for her? How would you cope, cause i am pushed beyond my limits of self preservation!

    • cookie23

      Wow!!! I’m sorry to hear that… Maybe you can try to have a conversation about what she is doing that bothers you?
      If that does not work, try finding out why exactly is she so angry all the time…

  • James McFarland

    I think someone needs to write an article on how adults should handle trolls on the Internet. I have to say that if many of you handle(d) your children that way you handled ole Jay with his troll to get your ire – I gotta wonder about your parenting skills as well.This is not a jab at any one person – it made me a lil’ angry too – this is just a wake-up call to those who seem to want to do better with their lives or they wouldn’t be here in the first place.

  • Snorty

    Paul, I don’t mean to sound harsh, but: It sounds like you need to stop being dependent on your parents. Then you’d stop finding all these excuses not to work. When you’re hungry enough, you’ll force yourself to do jobs you never thought you could do. At least TRY. If you get fired, at least you got paid for a few days (or hours). Then you try again. Go mow some lawns if you have to. Don’t have the attitude that any job is beneath you. Just look at it as part of your training.

    My suggestion is that you eat breakfast, pack a sack lunch, and leave your parents’ house – by 8:00 in the morning. And you don’t come home until dark, because all day you’re out looking for any job you can find. Actively looking for work should be your full time job – until you got a job.

    I wish you all the best!

  • Mrs. Belleville

    I thoroughly enjoyed reading this article. I’m so pleased I stumbled upon it after googling “Success is when your children turns out to be good people.” With the last high schooler on our house in a sibling of four…all turned out to be responsible, self-motivated young adults…it’s good to know how best to support and love them in the next stage of their lives. Thanks BottomlinePersonal.Com for this gem of advice.

  • Julie Zberg

    I raised my kid on and off alone thru a series of bad circumstances, yet I tried to give her a good education (private school), gave her demonstrative love, spent time with her, taught her morals and standards, we went out and did things together, etc. I came from a home where there was abuse (beatings, emotional, psychological) and zero show of love or affection so I tried to do the complete opposite with my daughter. When She turned 18 she wanted to be considered an adult, yet does not want to assume any of the responsibilities that come with it. She is now 22, still lives at home and is covered by my insurance. She doesn’t pay rent, for cable, for internet or anything. She does pay for her schooling (community college) and work part time because I cannot afford it. she complains that its taking her longer to get thru school because she has to work. I gave her a good education up to college, hoping that it would give her a leg up and maybe she could apply for scholarships to help her. does she? NO. she wants everything handed to her. “no one does anything for her, everyone else gets the scholarships, etc.” She frequently moans about how this parent pays for this friend’s college, and now that friend’s parents bought her a car, etc. It’s a ploy to make me feel inadequate, like i’m somehow shortchanging her, and how she suffers compared to others. I asked that if she is going to live at home and not pay rent that she help with additional chores. Does she? NO. she will do the bare minimum amount necessary. if i say anything, i’m “always yelling” and she stomps off to her room. The latest thing is the total lack of empathy towards me. What the hell have i done to this kid? I’m showing her bit by bit what it takes to live on the outside, away from home, as any good parent should do. that is our job – to let them learn to fly on their own. she acts like i owe her everything – including a new router because her internet is slow. The internet that i pay for btw. she recently disclosed that she hates me because she hates her body and its my fault because of something my ex may have said. i apologized to her for not knowing and told her if she hates her body, tho, she can change it but to avoid responsibility for it will amount to no progress. i had nothing to do with her body, her lack of exercise and good food choices have everything to do with that even tho i’ve encouraged her to work out, eat right, etc. it’s the constant finger pointing and blaming of others without assuming responsibility for anything that is really difficult. Im currently recovering from surgery. when she came home the day of she didn’t even ask me how i was, if there is anything she can do for me, nothing! it’s clear she hates me. she needs help, and i’ve discussed that with her. i’d be willing to go with her just to hear once and for all why she hates me. when i ask what’s wrong she says i don’t talk to her like i talk to other people. she’s my kid not my boyfriend not my friend. we talk. but when we do all she does is bitch and complain about people that come into her place of employment, how stupid this person is or that person, etc. it’s constant belittling and complaining. i think she is depressed, and i urged her to seek help and to get on meds to see if it would help mer.

  • Jackie

    I’m turning 20 on November and I’m a college student, currently working, and i pay bills I hardly ever go out not to be a show of but I do consider myself a good daughter. Although, My Mother is a strict parent I always I have to ask for permission to do anything and she’s always giving me a curfews which I think it’s not right. We always get into arguments and she claims that if I don’t like it I can grab my things and leave but she uses that against me because she knows I have no where to go. Now I’m dating this guy and we do like each other but she keeps putting boundaries she seriously is involved in my personal lifr I don’t think that’s right she makes feel like I’m wrong! I’m seriously fed up I need help!!!!!!

    • cookie23

      Have you thought about moving in with your boyfriend??

  • Belle Bohemienne

    Thank you for your kind words!! I’m sorry you have a devil in law! I’ll be praying for you and your son. Hopefully God will change her life and she will see the error in her ways. Or she loses the ability to speak. : )

    • speak_the_truth1

      It would be all Godly and stuff to remember that the daughter-in-law of “God help us!” probably has shoes too… you know, like Monique said that people should walk in before opening their mouths… wth is this?
      “I’m sorry you have a devil in law! I’ll be praying for you and your son. Hopefully God will change her life and she will see the error in her ways. Or she loses the ability to speak. : )”

  • TheBadDaughter

    Wow. My dad offered to pay for a course I had to take even after I told him I’d get a job and study. Then with 2 months left to go, he withdrew all funds so I’d basically come home out of starvation. And they say I’m being an ungrateful kid since he atleast offered to pay. Doesn’t count if you use it to control me. We are now estranged after I refused to marry a guy he liked. We simply weren’t compatible. Still the ungrateful, shameful daughter at 26. Thanks weird lunatic folks of mine. End rant.

    • cookie23

      Marry who you want to marry. That is your choice, not anyone else’s.

  • sammy


  • Tracy Polselli

    Any advice for how to talk to a moody adult child? Walking on eggshells is getting old

    • randomFLgirl

      Honestly its probably something medically wrong with their hormones and health that is making them act that way. Could be the music they listen to or television they watch…. or maybe something going on in their own life they haven’t talked to you about bc they dont feel like talking about it.

  • E

    I have aspergers, depression. anxiety, osteomalacia, levator ani syndrome and recover from an eating disorder. I have no degree because my university RAN OUT OF modules for me to do having recieved many conplaints and the uni before that sent the wrong information to student finance so they are chasing me for a £3k overpayment from 3 years ago. I am blackmailed into working for free with no travel or food expenses paid for the man who is providing my mothereith paid work despite the fact she has been out of the country 10 months out of the year. My dad i abroad right now and I don mt even know what country he is i. I have only had one boyfriend at age 23 and he is fast growing frustrated with how much of my time, finances and energy are drained taking care of my teenage brother and parents affairs from their mail to parking tickets to Inland Revenue issues. I want to start my own life but I’m made to feel like an ungrateful little shit for complaining about my resposibilities. I just want to be able to save up and move out but I can’t because who will do what I don’t and my mother will lose her work if I stop. Not to mention I grew up with *extreme* emotional abuse and physical violence in the house every day so I hate challenging my parents and haven’t forgiven them for the awful things I had to see.. I just feel like I have no future despite being in the top 2% of the population academically and having multiple talents. I just feel so situationally and emotionally fucked up on top of being in physical pain most of the time.

  • Alrighty Then

    Here’s a mistake that can be added. Constantly bailing the “troubled” child out of trouble, often financially yet expecting the responsible child to take care of you in your old age because you threw money away hand over fist to help the screw up who never has learned their lesson or changed. Now that is messed up.

  • terry513

    Paul, are you for real? By the time I got to the last line, I just knew you were going to say, think I’m a good writer now? or think sarcasm! Wow! If this is true, you have managed to hit on every excuse for not working that is out there. You need to stop having a pity party and start realizing you can’t be supported by your parents forever. There are people like you with autism that work from home so you won’t have to deal with many people. You did the right thing by getting a degree in computer science but you need a masters and then get with an agency that deals with disabilities who will also find you a job (Goodwill comes to mind) and you can make a living from home. When you start feeling like you’re down, get out in the sun, go to the beach, swimming pool or lake to enjoy life. Get a doctor to give you meds that will make you feel better and not make you feel useless. It doesn’t matter what the parent thinks, it’s what you think about yourself that counts.

  • Jen

    Ok what do you do when an adult child (who just turned 18) is acting like a spoiled child and is always in a bad mood, you can’t say anything to her without her biting off your head.. This isn’t new, she’s been like this since about the age of 7 or 8. Always snippy kind of mean and demanding, and vengeful.. oh and I’m her aunt, but to her I’m the annoying big sister she can’t stand unless I have money for her or something she wants.. otherwise I don’t exist… any advice?


  • zxvf

    These older people are unaware of the current reality of their nation and economy. They grew up in somewhat different worlds — they can barely relate.

    E.G. “I don’t mean to sound harsh, but: It sounds like you need to stop being
    dependent on your parents. Then you’d stop finding all these excuses
    not to work.” It’s like he/she thinks 500 applications is an excuse. This person would probably still say this even if they haven’t sent more than 500 resumes out or filled out more than 500 applications in their whole life.

  • Cheese Louis

    My mother is giving me a lot of shit about my Calculus. :3
    So, I’ll be moving out asap. I’ll save her some money and my sanity.

  • Rezerlius Carnelius Mazretin

    You see the only problem I have with my parents is that I am over 21 my actual age is 25 and I am still living with my parents and yet they still treat me like a fucking child and I’m getting sick and tired of it since I have a learning disability they don’t truly understand how I feel they want me to follow their every whim every time I decline there decision they start acting like I am the ignorant one and arrogant they call me all kinds of bad things it’s like my main point is that they don’t respect me at all they still see me as a child but not as an adult especially they don’t listen to my decisions for example my mom tells me we are going to BJ’s wholesale and as soon as I say I don’t want to go and instead I’ll bring the shopping cart down stairs to make it easy for you and my mom tells me you’re going to go either you like it or not cuz I need your help but then I tell her I don’t feel like going then my mom starts acting like a bitch and start making empty threats like if you don’t go to BJ’s I will stop feeding you and giving you money you’re going to have to get a job to feed yourself and then I think in my head to myself that’s really fucked up best point I was trying to make I have no idea what is wrong with my parents my stepfather is no help at all they are too ignorant to see the errors of their ways it’s no wonder why my older sister and my older brother left so far away from them it makes me think I am going to do the same but I really don’t want to I am a very kind person unlike my parents they still don’t treat me with respect thats the only problem I have with them any suggestions how can I deal with that no matter what I say to them they don’t listen there has to be another way to make them see my point of view

  • K.G.

    This article is great. I’m writing from the perspective of the adult child. I’m 28, but for the longest time I have just been feeling like my mom has this need to be a part of every decision I make. I love her dearly, and hope that I can have a close relationship with her like I used to have when I was younger. For starters, the constant asking of questions bothers me. Now, it wouldn’t bother me so much if she was asking the questions for the sake of starting a conversation, but what I’ve noticed is that she asks questions because she wants to question and debate my answer. It’s like, no matter what I answer with, my answer will never be good enough because she didn’t help me come to that decision, and therefore, she much put her two cents in, even if it makes no sense at all. Another thing is, which was mentioned in this article, was the advice bit. It really gets me stressed when my mother gives me advice on things that I didn’t ask for her advice about. I may overthink things here, but when I analyze that, it makes me feel like she thinks I am incapable of making a good decision, and I think it’s insulting. I know she doesn’t intend to insult me, but if she thought I was capable of deciding what is best for me, she wouldn’t feel the need to say anything in the first place. I’ve tried talk to her about it and tell her that I can’t talk to her about anything going on with my life anymore because she always feels a need to try to change my mind, or “fix” what she considers to be a mistake, even though she knows I’m going to do what I’ve decided. I’ve also tried explaining to her that: 1) if I felt like I needed an opinion or advice, I would definitely ask her, 2) constantly letting me know that ever decision of mine needs to be improved to her standards is unsupportive. She tells me that she is only trying to help, but that’s just it….the very fact that she assumes I need help is insulting!!! I know she doesn’t mean it in that way, but it really bothers me. What’s even worse than it bothering me, is that she can sense that it bothers me (which makes her feel horrible), which makes me feel horrible and guilty.

  • Nneka Fulton

    am so glad to see that I’m not the only one with these problems. For years my mother has manipulated me every which way that it has cost me relationships and friendships. Usually I just cry over it and move on, but now as a new mother I can’t show that to happen. Ever since I had my first baby, I’m 25, my mother has been in my ear about everything I do, especially when I involved the father and not her. And when I don’t tell her that me, my baby and his father are doing something, she flies off the rails as though I’ve done something horrible and guilt trips me for days. Recently I’m thinking about moving to Florida for a career opportunity and she’s been in my ear 24/7 about taking her to live with me and not his father. When I tell her that I’m moving with his dad, she either pretend she doesn’t hear me and tells everyone her plan on how she’s going to be living with me in Florida or she gets angry and tells me she going to kick me out. Recently she tried to tell my bf he couldn’t see his son which sparked a huge arguement with us vs her and her telling him he’s not allowed at her house anymore. Now I’m looking for an apartment and she become so conniving that she actually demands that i tell her the name of each apartment i contacted so she can call. When i refused she stole my credit card so I couldn’t make the deposit. It’s become so bad that I can’t trust her with anything, not even my son. In afraid that the choice I’m going to have to make will have me lose her but I can’t allow her to ruin the new family I have with my bf and son.

  • Kimberly

    My I laws constantly buy gifts for my spouse leaving me out of these generosities. Am I wrong to be upset about this ?

  • Kimberly

    Or at the holidays they buy him all name brand very expensive. While they but me the off brand. As if I’m not worth the better things.

  • suzie30

    my husband’s mother is a control freak
    she and her husband did not allow my husband to have any friends at all growing up ( except for his brother).

    They would also never allow him to think for himself and taught him that everything can be learned in a book.

    He grew up with no common sense what so ever and still struggles with social issues to this day.

    So when he left for university he never looked back.

    He does visit them once a year out of obligation ( actually I told him he should and now regret it ) but will never move back close to them because of their control freakish ways.

    Now his mother is starting to freak out that she will be alone in her old age and is taking it out on me behaving as though it is my fault her son won’t come back to her ( because I am from a different culture)
    – Evil mother -in-law syndrome.

    She tries to control me now and insults me and his brother’s wife repeatedly and still instructs and commands my husband like he is still a little boy. He is so used to her abuse that he ignores it but I told her to f – off and now she is upset and there is this whole family drama now.

    I think it was for the best though. It is only now after 5 years of knowing her , she lets me know that she hated me all along for no reason . I never felt so betrayed in all my life. This woman used to be smiling at me and plotting my death behind my back ? What the !!. My relationship with her is officially over and my husband is now getting the balls to stand up to his own parents after 35 years on this planet.

    Moral of the story is : Please have a life outside of your kids. AT least one friend. IT is not healthy to be so emotionally and physically attached to your kids where you do not encourage them to have their own personal life. They will respect you more and actually seek out a relationship with you in your old age. Do the opposite and they will run far away from you forever.

  • Vanishingmom

    Most people won’t feel comfortable in relying to your post because it sounds like it’s too soon for you to have any expectation of a relationship with your kids. Especially, if you are living a precarious, unstable, or dysfunctional lifestyle. Before you can change your kids hearts or minds about trust, you have to make solid changes that give trusting you credibility. I’ve been where you’re at. I remember expecting immediate results, and thinking my children would come rushing to my arms…realizing how much I loved them, and everything would someday be back to normal. Unfortunately, this is an unrealistic fantasy. Something that we lie to ourselves about. The damage we cause to our children, and the trust that they lose for us through our own bad choices is permanent, and may never be fully forgiven. It has taken me YEARS to gain only partial trust from 2 of my kids that I selfishly hurt, and still absolutely no forgiveness from my oldest one. He told me that he won’t forgive me until I’m dead. I accept, and truly believe that it will take me dying before he can find the freedom of forgiveness for me. He loves me but, he will never trust me again. The damage is done, and there is no repairing some memories. Weather it’s abuse (not in my case), neglect, mentally, spiritually, or physically hurting the one that trusts and loves you more than anyone in the whole world, this is no easy repair. And, you have no right to have any expectation of forgiveness. Do you truly forgive your own parents for painful things they did to you? I don’t. Not really. I learned to accept that they did the best that they were capable of. That’s enough for me. You have to constantly work for their trust, and accept it when they don’t respond the way you hope, want, or expect them to. They don’t owe you anything anymore. If you want their love, you’re going to have to work like hell to get it…and, still you may not succeed. But, at least you tried. If you don’t try at all…you’ve already failed. Be patient, don’t give up, and make the change start with YOU now!

  • blacksheep

    don’t encourage passively for you child to hold down a job they cant stand, like cvome home angry and sad and raging every night.. don’t assume your child is on drugs when they are suffering mental health problems, actually believe them when they tell you they are being bullied at work or their new landlord is sexually harassing them.support them in their endeavours like buying a house. I have around 5 times the average deposit a person from a middle income family my age would have to purchase their first house, are my parents willing to support me back me on the loan, no despite the fact I have worked for 5 years and at the very most gone ten days without some form of employment. if they are engaging in harmful activity (like if you notice they are drinking way to much) sit them down and try to work out why, don’t just scream at them to stop after trying to pretend you are a perfect family and the problem is imaginary until they are at such a level it is impossible and you just kick them out instead. actually be there for them so they don’t rely on a relationship (even when it turns abusive) or have to rely on people that hardly know them like work colleages instead because they know they sure as hell aren’t going to get any support or encouragement from you. lastly don’t be a close minded judemental fuckwit because they don’t share the same ideals yet call them one(without using that term of course) just because they don’t share the same ideals as you.

  • Ricku

    My mum was and still is an absolutely useless mother. She never fed me properly as a child meaning I was always hungry. She slagged me off to everyone under the guise that she was worried about me. She flatly refused to get to know my wife which partly caused our divorce. Plus she was never encouraging and always put her needs first. She should never have had children.

  • sheldon admore

    I have the same problem my car broke down on me on my way to work so I pushed it to my parents house until I get it fixed I been working long hours I’m down to one car so my girl have to take me to work . He called me this morning treating me if I don’t get it fix he was going call tow company tow it away I thought parents suppose to have understanding but he treated me less than human . He didn’t spend time with me when I was a kid .now I’m 41 yrs. Old with two daughters now I want to preach to me like I’m 12 yrs old it’s not right I might not go over there for thanksgiving or Christmas

  • disqus_ctzLi2IUuU

    My mom treats me like a moron. We went out to eat and the food was served in plastic baskets with paper. I saw a garbage can nearby and because there was a lot of garbage on the table, I took a couple baskets over there so I could empty the contents in there, to make it easier for the employee to clean up…just to be nice. (It is actually a gas station with tables and a small lunch menu.) My mom said, “You don’t throw the baskets away!”….like she really thought that was what I was going to do. She treats me like the stupidest individual on the planet, with no reason to do so. And I find that I actually AM dumber around her. Because she makes me a little self-conscious and stressed. Five years ago, after a long stressful trip with her, she criticized how I said our last name. I was thinking, ” You’re telling me I don’t know how to say my own last name? Really?”

  • Concerned parent

    Well. Here’s the deal. I don’t think any parent wants to push their children away. But being concerned when your children have no plan is a natural part of parenting. Or at least it should be. We have told our kids to pick a degree field that they can be good at and support their passions. Don’t make emotionally lead passions your career. If they do this by picking the correct path we will assist them thru college. After that it is up to them. We plan on retiring someday and using retirement funds to support the bad decisions of our children is not a parents job. Raise them right, they should choose well, if not let them figure it out.

  • Yellowbrickroad

    I recently moved back in with my Mom due to a separation. I have three children. my mom expects me to cook for her and my children. her excuse is she cooked for us while growing up, so whats the issue now? Am I being selfish for feeling annoyed by all this? Please note, she eats a standard american diet, I myself and children consume a plant based vegan diet. My cooking lifestyle takes a lot of prep time (soaking, washing, cutting, etc.) Before my “return” to her home, she only consumed typical american food, burgers, fries, bacon, icecream, etc. Now that im back temporarily, she expects me to do all the vegan cooking for her. She is alive and well and refuses to cook on her on. If I don’t cook, she wont eat… like wtf, who does that? I need to vent and no one seems to understand. I need to know if I’m wrong

  • BC

    OMG… Gee, make good and sure that you don’t upset your adult child who gladly takes your resources but God forbid you ask them to do chores or come in at a certain hour YOUR OWN HOUSE? . Don’t invade their privacy…in your house? Don’t contact them more than they contact you, don’t push them to independence before they are ready…especially before they’re 29?! I was out of my house at 18, when I decided my parents’ rules weren’t for me. I lived like a pauper till I didn’t. They are adults, people, not pets.

  • Annabella

    I would add one error I am running across now. I’ve been adult now for decades, and though I tend to be a private person, I find that the little my mother does know about my life is shared everywhere and with everyone. I have asked her to stop, and, still, I find that people I don’t know at all (for example, a dental hygienist at a practice my mother has used) know all sorts of personal things about me. I know that telling my mother anything is equivalent to announcing it to some unknown number of people, some of whom I know, some of whom I don’t know but may meet eventually (for example, it turns out that the guy who helps my mom with her yard happens to have gotten engaged to a friend of mine, and he knows all sorts of things about me, down to weird stories about my first boyfriend). At this point I try to tell her nothing at all, ever, for any reason, because she just can’t keep anything at all to herself, and it’s weird when strangers start up conversations about one’s personal life. The advice embedded in this is simple: if you want to stay connected to your adult children’s lives, you must not gossip about them and use their lives as subject matter for your conversations. Certain things would be fine to discuss, of course, but if you are not sure where that boundary is, it’s best to say nothing or to talk about your own experiences.

  • Barker

    I am 35 years old. I am attempting to raise my own family as a wife and mum.
    My parents bought me a car a year ago for safety of their grand daughter (2 year old) after I said no. I recently sold it and bought a car what I wanted. They have not expressed their emotions to me about me selling the car. Has anyone else been in this situation?

  • DJ retired

    I am a Mom, My son got engaged, we thought that was great we only met this young lady two times for a very short time. We were out of town and she moved in.
    My son also has a dog that is not toilet trained. We told them NO pets in the house.
    After all it is my house. We got home to find the house reeking of urine. He and she do not plan to get married for another year and a half. When we got home all my things were moved. Other things are missing. She went thru my cabinets and thru out our things. Including my husbands meds for kidney Stones, and threw things out. She did apologize but it continues, to happen. We left for one week and after I spent a week cleaning up the urine and getting rid of the smell on my good wool carpets. They did it again. We wanted to help them get back on their feet but this is too much. Her answer to me is she has memory problems. She also said that I , valued things more than people. What am I to do, she gave my vacuum cleaner away, My husband’s shop vacuum was coated with urine and baking soda and we had to replace the filter. My husband’s latter was missing but someone did finally did return it. However a step stool is still missing. They replaced my vacuum with one from e-bay but now my life time warrantee on my Kirby is gone. Other thing missing are towels, luggage bag, spices, a lawn mower and numerous other things. So many things were missing at first I could not even find a can opener to make diner. When I ask about things, they all say I don’t know. I know nothing, like sargent Sultz’s . She does not clean, she makes that clear and it is evident. that is not what she does. she does work outside the home. She did call friends in to clean. I think they cleaned me out ! This is not what I signed up for as a Mom.

  • Natalia Kotliarsky

    If you still looking for a job – please send me your resume – I’ll see what I can do

  • sharon

    The one thing articles never mention is this = children become adults and its understandable for them to want to live their own lives. The problem I see a lot of is the adult children don’t understand if the parents want to make decisions that they don’t agree with. See, there seems to be two way street when it comes to parents with adult children. The adult children can do as they want but the parents must always be available to them anytime they want or need something. They still want that security blanket in case thing don’t work out in the hard cruel world. I am from an older generation where we worked hard and might have complained now and then but we stuck in there making things work and not running to mama or daddy everytime things didnt go our way. I wish an article would be written about what really goes on in todays generation of entitled kids out there

  • MightyFloof

    I have to say that this article is very accurate on many standards. However, my mother hasn’t really been that supportive parents ever since I’ve started to date this boy two years ago. As 22 years old today, I started to date as a 20 year old and with my first and official boyfriend that approached me and asked me out first. I didn’t need permission, but I fell with some insecurities from time-to-time but that all passed. Now it’s my mothers turn to make the tides turn and feel free to speak about all the mishaps and shit that has been occurring in her mind. I see no bad vibes but apparently she does. My boyfriend comes from an area that you don’t see large, rich houses formed, but families that don’t like to communicate outside the walls. My boyfriend was a shelter life, barely had any friends and keeps to himself. He’s clean from drugs and other stuff that can screw your life over, has a full-time job and a car to pick me up and take me home since it’s the only way to do so to see each other. But he doesn’t like to really come in and say hello that much anymore, because there’s been drama and my mother is fumed about how everything has been going on. “He’s disrespectful, a low-life scum, trailer trash”, quoted from my mothers own mouth when we fight. We fight all the time, I try to speak with her about any situation and she just throws words at me as if I don’t care. She wants me to “play the field” and learn about other guys because there’s “more fish in the sea to choose from”. I love the guy I’m currently with, two years already and she’s not satisfied, but in order for her to be there needs to be change or he has to hit the pike because she’s not happy. I also guess she doesn’t see me happy-go-lucky with a guy that does a lot for me, paid a lot for me too. But she’s picking out the little stuff too. Yes he doesn’t like to come to social gatherings because he considers himself “:boring”. He’s a gamer and so am I, no education because I’m undetermined for my future, but will start a job elsewhere because I have low self-esteem. I was bullied back then and still mocked by my mother who acts like a bully because she controls my life as well, as long as I live in her household I abide to her rules. My father though, isn’t as stubborn as she is. They do get offended that he doesn’t show much respect to them as they would have ensured, but my attitude has changed too in their eyes. They also wouldn’t let me go to their Thanksgiving dinner at his grandmothers, yet my brother is fine to go with his gilrfriends grandparents with no hassle. I’m disgusted and hurt that I can’t even cope with her anymore, I’ve been told to move out and away, but if I do she’ll tell everyone how I was a selfish daughter to not listen to her and want her dead. She is pushing me away and making me push the guy I want to be with away forever so she could choose the right guy for me since I can’t already do that myself. :/ There’s not even comfort if I cry at night, she’s not supportive to calm me down, tells me to “grow-up” because crying is for sissies. Adults shouldn’t cry but I get overly-emotional on standards that just boil up inside.

  • Cindylee

    I had a difficult child and a more difficult adult child when he entered college. He did want to become a nurse. He also wanted to party all the time and we did suspect he drove home drunk, so we set ground rules and told him how much it would cost to live on his own, and that a college education would not be on our dime if he did not do a couple of things, like have a sober designated driver, and to be less hostile.. I never thought it would come down to this particular threat, but until a parent is in this situation, one never knows the lengths they will go through to stop the madness. On a great ending note, my son did tow the line, and he finished college 5 years ago and is thriving as an ER charge nurse….out on his own and doing great. I make mistakes all the time, still. He tells me he owns a gun, and I tell him I never fear for my safety, and it seems far less safe to have a firearm in the home. I ask if he has a safe and he says, no. This is the stuff that keeps parents up at night. We do our best, but nobody is going to tell the truth like a parent and as long as we don’t harp, sharing our concerns is legitimate, methinks.Families have stepped on their adult children’s personal space since time began. I am very kind to my son, and we have a great love for each other. Love covers a multiple of sins.

  • MGTOW dum moriar

    The problem is that people don’t beat their kids anymore. People stopped beating their kids and now the US is falling behind is every possible department. We are the fattest, laziest and dumbest people in the developed world.

  • Broken hearted

    I take care of my mother in law because her children which is 5 of them don’t do what they should don’t call come around I do it all!! She is in kidney failure dementia and Alzheimer’s and I miss my mother so bad I cry!! She was killed along with my brother sister in law in a tornado!! My mother prayed a little but she let me live my life!! It don’t matter whAt they say or do they are still our parents!!

  • TheGoodAndBadSon

    My mom is a great mom that she cares for me more than my father. buys me stuff even i didnt ask for it but the problem for her is her hot-tempered crap. we always fight over small things even just a few cents spent. our problem became huge. I’m googling fund grants to adult kids who want to have their own life because im sick of mine and my future is at stake if im with my mom. no matter hard i shut my mouth up from my shouting screaming mother. I couldnt resist. I only slapped my mom’s face and she’s gonna trash me until she said come back coz she promised herself to let me finish school but HOW?! YOU’LL GIVE ME MORE PROBLEMS AND I WONT BE ABLE TO FOCUS WITH SCHOOL. If you there’s some funds i could get. you may email me at manju.totsie@gmail.com or boyerz@facebook.com for direct to my fb :)